disorgaminzed

Did I mention I feel disorganized? Because I do.
If January doesn't end soon I'm going to shoot a foot. Probably not my own foot, because that would be painful, although I'm seriously considering it. I hate January now. I'm sick of it. It's like one big bang at the beginning, "Hurray! New Years! Raah!" and then once the tenth hits, its like man, nada, nothing, zip. Just rain and sleet and snow and hail... and wind! And drab. And sick patients. And annoying cielings that leak.

Work has been discouraging. I'm pulled in a million different directions. I don't know where I'm going with my job. I also have this opportunity to go back to school part-time, but I don't know if I should do it or wait. There's pros and cons for both...

Also, I just can't help everybody, or anybody, really. Patient care is so demanding right now. I know I shouldn't feel like a failure when there is nothing I can humanly do more for them than what I do - but I still feel discouraged.

Josh is right - God is the one who works in people's lives, it's not up to me. God works through me, I am no superman or supernurse. So I've been letting go, taking back and letting go again all week long. I'm beginning to annoy myself.

I'm not so fond of the church right now in general. I'm bored there, I don't know what to do, I joined worship team but it's all very blah and I don't feel like I am contributing any help at all. I want to be useful. Josh is of course always doing something there, but I continually feel like I don't belong, which is so dumb, and so cliche sounding that I can't even begin to imagine why that is the only thing I can come up with, but it is just how I feel. Maybe everyone feels that way, I don't know. It doesn't mean I don't want to be there or will stop trying to be involved - actually the opposite is quite true, I am seeking out people and trying to form new friendships, but it's been difficult. Besides, it doesn't help that Josh is facing a lot of opposition from people about, what in my opinion, trivial matters. But of course to Mr. So and So and Ms. So and So it's just a huge deal.

Nevertheless, I think Josh and I are going strong right now. That is my un-experted opinion, but I really love being married, and I think it is good right now, and looks to continue that way. I've never had so much fun and laughter around me before, and with just one other person. I don't need a group of friends to have fun and relax and play games, I have Josh, and that's weird, because I always had a group of friends that I would call up when bored or in need of video game playing or companionship - but now I have Josh and so conveniently placed in my own home. I mean, i still have friends and of course the college-age people are at our house most of the days of the week at some point or another - but I have Josh anytime, and he makes me smile and laugh and feel good. It's craziness, a boy can make me feel so beautiful, loved and cherished. And happy.

Is it possible to be discouraged and happy at the same time? I feel joyful. And at peace. But disgruntled.

Why did God make women?