forgiveness enough

please pardon the horrible grammar/spelling in this very rambly post. i didnt edit.



things have calmed a bit at work. due to hippa law i can't tell you anything about anything, but let's just say certain patients with certain problems were sent to certain specialists to get certain things inserted into their bodies which is always a source of celebration around these parts in organ failure land. whether it be mechanical or from a donor, it gives you a second chance of life and is a controversial miracle. oh how i wish i could share the incredible stories!! and just how happy and awesome it is! and how emotionally draining and yet fulfilling and energizing it is to work as a nurse in this field - all at the same time, weirdness and happiness and despair and laughter, all at once... usually i only have one or two patients like this every few months, this month i had four! all at once! eek!

anyway, today was incredibly uneventful at work, but i realized just how far behind emergent things put you... with non-emergent things. like paperwork. and phone calls to insurance. and phone calls to pharmacies. and phone calls to chronic dz pts. and more paperwork. and charting. oh and more charting. and more fighting with insurance. oh and the staff is super upset and stressed out from last week, so everyone is calling in sick, and the nursing assistants take frequent smoke breaks and are rarely available to their well, uhm, JOB.

it all adds up. just today i had 75 calls on my phone from patients. all little things, requests, questions about results, prognosis, family members, concerns, worries. it seemed every call someone had something kind of bad going on in their life, medical or otherwise - it made me feel small talking to them, offering what reassurance or answers i could. i thought, dude, here i spent the weekend with a bit of a bad cold (stupid summer colds) and feeling sorry for myself and especially pitiful Sunday morning, having a bit (or a two hour long) of an emotional meltdown from all the stress at work of the previous week, the whole "oh i just can't face another week again" deal, and of course it all faded within a few hours and i was myself again (except for the stuffy nose). i hugged my ever-cheerful husband who loves me inspite of the above noted emotional outburst, i also prayed to my Rock and my Salvation who is my Comforter. i remembered all the blessings He has provided, especially all the happy edible reminders out in the garden which shimmer in the sunshine. and i felt small. and humbled. and today again, so small, so humble. For whatever reason, God has blessed me. I do not know why He chose me to bless, i do not deserve it. but He does. and He continues to. talking with all these patients, who have so many, many urgent problems or pain or illness right in their face right now - i just, i have it so easy i think. so so easy.

i heard about this guy that Josh was reading to me about on Saturday night - there was this really sick guy, and his friends and family grew more concerned about his condition, and he was in and out of the hospital, and they took him to every doctor and medical clinic and specialist, and finally his condition grew worse and worse until he was weaker, and weaker, and in pain all the time, and finally he was paralyzed. his mother and father despaired for him, for he had so many dreams and they had so many dreams for him and what he would become. his brothers and friends swore to find him a cure, and they gave their hard earned money and gave of their time searching the country and even overseas for any treatment, anyone who could shed light on the cause of his illness. test after test, treatment after treatment, nothing, it just got worse.

finally, they heard of a religious teacher who had healed people of their illnesses. nothing else had worked - they made the journey to find him. there were throngs of people surrounding the building, it was impossible to get inside, especially with a paralyzed guy. but the brothers would not give up - they dug through a frickin ROOF. Yah, they like, chopped up the roof and put a huge hole in some guy's roof. i dunno if it was because they really had faith in the teacher, that he was really God, or if they were just desperate for answers, for hope - but they did it. Broke probably a bunch of laws like trespassing, destroying property, endangering people who were below them when a roof caved in -- but they didn't care. they were like screw it, my brother needs help. no one else can help him.

when the teacher saw them and the paralyzed guy, he said, "Son, your sins are forgiven."

a hush fell over the crowd - seriously? i mean, that's nice and all, but, isn't this guy's REAL problem kind of obvious? like, hello, he has a serious disease here... he's paralyzed... he's in pain... he is not the person that he should be.

i think i would like to just leave the story here. that it where i left it. for a few minutes at least. you're in pain. you are weak. you are paralyzed now after battling this illness for years and years. you just think, if only i could see God face to face, if he could really see me and know what i am going through, he would heal me. he would change all of this. his whole family prayed for YEARS - years - for his healing and his relief from this disease. they dug through a frickin roof i still can't believe it - and God told the guy "Your sins are forgiven."

now we do know the rest of the story, the guy was healed. but what if we didn't know the rest of the story. what if it was just left at, "your sins are forgiven."

sometimes it is the end of the story. "your sins are forgiven" - is that enough for you?