http://www.flickr.com/photos/heidi/sets/72157624568965952/
i posted a journal entry up at flickr
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Friday, January 28, 2011
Friday, January 01, 2010
goodbye 2009
goodbye 2009
my favorite thing about this year was making memories and learning how to use a camera so i can remember those times later on!!
saying goodbye to the worst, iciest, snowiest winter my area has seen in many years...
enjoyed spring!!
celebrated independence with friends
enjoyed the company of friends
got WAY more into gardening than i thought i would!
loved seeing my husband enjoy ministry and his job
partied
loved youth ministry and summer events with the youth
HAD WONDERFUL FOOD --- i love living in the pacific NW
had some family time....
enjoyed vacations
celebrated engagements
enjoyed my grandparents
mourned the loss of a family pet
celebrated accomplishments of friend's
hugged my husband as much as i could
this new year, 2010, holds some big changes ahead for us. i am excited, terrified, hopeful, courageous, and my heart is full of love and thankfulness.
josh i can't wait to walk into our new life together this year - i love you
my favorite thing about this year was making memories and learning how to use a camera so i can remember those times later on!!
saying goodbye to the worst, iciest, snowiest winter my area has seen in many years...
enjoyed spring!!
celebrated independence with friends
enjoyed the company of friends
got WAY more into gardening than i thought i would!
loved seeing my husband enjoy ministry and his job
partied
loved youth ministry and summer events with the youth
HAD WONDERFUL FOOD --- i love living in the pacific NW
had some family time....
enjoyed vacations
celebrated engagements
enjoyed my grandparents
mourned the loss of a family pet
celebrated accomplishments of friend's
hugged my husband as much as i could
this new year, 2010, holds some big changes ahead for us. i am excited, terrified, hopeful, courageous, and my heart is full of love and thankfulness.
josh i can't wait to walk into our new life together this year - i love you
Thursday, December 03, 2009
relient k i celebrate the day
we're learning this to play for one the christmas services, yayy.
mostly excited about it 'cause i was able to learn it by ear for the piano. awesummm
and its a good song
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Dear Patient
Dear Sir or Madam,
I see you almost everyday. You are in the hospital as an inpatient. You are at the pharmacy counter. You are in the waiting room. You are calling on the phone. You are in clinic for an office visit. You are in the procedure room for your surgery. You are in the infusion room waiting for me to start your IV. You are young or you are old. In fact, sometimes I see you at church, or at work, bible study, or other places. You just pop up everywhere and you take. This week I have seen a lot of you.
It doesn't matter to you what your family has done for you, how much they care about you, what your nurse has done, how much your friends listen to you, people who stay at your side through thick and thin - you are never satisfied. You are better than everyone and deserve all of the attention and the world revolves around you. At the very least you are more intelligent than everyone, which makes you better in any event.
If something isn't going the way you would like it you sometimes scream and cuss. Sometimes you get all passive-aggressive and sulk. Sometimes you cry and whine. Sometimes you abuse.
You "don't deserve this!" and you "deserve to be the center of attention" and "people should be paying attention" to you because of your:
a: horrible disease
b: how much pain you are in (1. physically 2. emotionally 3. both)
c: how hard life is for you because of your (1. social disorder 2. disability 3. addiction 4. economic problem 5. relationship status 6. children 7. chronic disease 8. general burdens in life that are unique to only you of course)
Also, you have made it quite clear that no matter what we do, or how long it is after you are well, no matter how much we listen and care, you still need all of the attention. You still are never satisfied with anything or anyone, and nothing is good enough. And you can't believe how dare someone get more attention than me, how undeserving are they, you are better and more important than they are, you have been through so much more. I mean, you don't actually know THEM over THERE, but obviously you are much worse off. YOUR call light is more important than theirs (so what if it's a code blue?), YOUR phone call is BETTER than THEIRS. Your prayer request is the MOST URGENT.
We should feel so sorry for you, and just give and give and give.
6 months later at your office visit, or your coffee visit with us, or wherever, it is still the same. You have all these problems, and they are more important than ours. You have made no effort to change anything in your life (you have heart disease but you still smoke, you have relationship problems but you do not have standards, you have spiritual problems but just can't find the time to go to church, you have addiction problems but can't change your habits, you feel lost and alone but won't read the Bible, you have diabetes but you eat carbs all day) because you have a ROUTINE, and YOU need it, and you are too important and too busy to change these things, or you just don't want to and you have the BEST excuses. Besides, this is OUR fault, at the very least we have to hear about it and BE EMPATHETIC to YOUR needs. WE "just don't understand" YOU, we don't care enough, we don't know how hard it is.
Sometimes your problems have been solved, but only replaced by new problems. We remind you now that you have that job or relationship you've always wanted, but you remind us how stupid we are. THAT didn't make you happy (even though you said that was all you needed), in fact it only caused more NEW and AWFUL problems.
You call the office constantly, you schedule meetings with your pastor/teacher/doctor to whine so you can feel better about yourself afterwards, you update your facebook status everyday with a new woe just to let everyone know how hard life is for you each day (and this is good for fishing for a quick sympathy fix), you call and text your friends or you stay at home and shun them on purpose.
You hate other people who are like you, because they are getting attention. You hate people who aren't like you, because they aren't giving you attention. You aren't involved as a volunteer, you aren't involved in the community, you don't give to charity (unless it's for tax write off), your first thoughts are of your needs. You neglect your life partner and take people for granted. You alienate friends and avoid making new ones because people are "so needy!" and you can't stand to listen to them. You are offended that your pastor asks you to come to church on Sunday, much less WORK in a MINISTRY. You are offended your doctor asks you to make simple life changes that impeded on your preferred diet or lifestyle. You say God is important but He is your last priority. You are good at manipulating people. You are a control freak. You are lazy. You keep people at a distance unless they suit your needs. In fact, in general, other people are very annoying and pretty useless to you unless they "mesh" or "click" with you and contribute to your needs.
You don't make friends or make an effort to care about other people that annoy you. You don't want to get involved with church because it is full of people who are annoying and don't understand you. You don't give and love your family because they are annoying and they don't understand you. You break off relationships or ignore the current ones because they are too much drama for you.
If one thing in your life goes wrong, everything is wrong. You try to compartmentalize to avoid this, to stay in control. You let everyone know when something is disappointing and out of your routine and how inconvenient it is, but you are incapable of being transparent and letting people know when you are a depressed and lonely.
You are selfish.
You are nearsighted.
You are inward focused.
You are a taker.
You are a breaker.
You are blind to your need for a Savior.
You are sinful.
You are jealous.
You are prejudice.
You are hating your neighbor.
You are unaware of your need for a Savior.
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
but you think you'll hold together forever.
You know you're low, but you play so high.
You can't play as your own God forever.
I've seen about as much of YOU(s) as I can stand this week. I'm your pastor's wife, I'm your nurse, I'm your friend, I'm your neighbor - I'm not perfect. I do these things too, I'm selfish by nature. But you, YOU are everywhere! We need less of you. I need less ME in me, too, and more God. Why can't WE look outside ourselves to others? Why do we look at other people and see "ANNOYING -- " instead of seeing someone God loves? Someone who is a good friend? Someone who care about us? Why do we spew hate and not love?
And you who have no excuse? Who have been a "CHRISTIAN?" What is the deal?
You remind me of a Keith Green song ==
Do you see, do you see
All the people sinking down
Don't you care, don't you care
Are you gonna let them drown
How can you be so numb
Not to care if they come
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done
"Oh bless me lord, bless me Lord"
You know it's all I ever hear
No one aches, no one hurts
No one even sheds one tear
But He cries, He weeps, He bleeds
And He cares for your needs
And you just lay back
And keep soaking it in
Oh can't you see it's such a sin
'Cause He brings people to you door
And you turn them away
As you smile and say
"God bless you, be at peace"
And all heaven just weeps
'Cause Jesus came to you door
You've left him out on the streets
Open up open up
And give yourself away
You see the need, you hear the cries
So how can you delay
God's calling and you're the one
But like Jonah you run
He's told you to speak
But you keep holding it in
Of can't you see it's such a sin
The world is sleeping in the dark
That the church just can't fight
'Cause it's asleep in the light
How can you be so dead
When you've been so well fed
Jesus rose from the grave
And you, you can't even get out of bed
Oh, Jesus rose from the dead
Come on get out of your bed
How can you be so numb
Not to care if they come
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done
Don't close your eyes
Don't pretend the job's done
"Come away, come away, come away with me my love
Come away, come away, come away with me my love
I see you almost everyday. You are in the hospital as an inpatient. You are at the pharmacy counter. You are in the waiting room. You are calling on the phone. You are in clinic for an office visit. You are in the procedure room for your surgery. You are in the infusion room waiting for me to start your IV. You are young or you are old. In fact, sometimes I see you at church, or at work, bible study, or other places. You just pop up everywhere and you take. This week I have seen a lot of you.
It doesn't matter to you what your family has done for you, how much they care about you, what your nurse has done, how much your friends listen to you, people who stay at your side through thick and thin - you are never satisfied. You are better than everyone and deserve all of the attention and the world revolves around you. At the very least you are more intelligent than everyone, which makes you better in any event.
If something isn't going the way you would like it you sometimes scream and cuss. Sometimes you get all passive-aggressive and sulk. Sometimes you cry and whine. Sometimes you abuse.
You "don't deserve this!" and you "deserve to be the center of attention" and "people should be paying attention" to you because of your:
a: horrible disease
b: how much pain you are in (1. physically 2. emotionally 3. both)
c: how hard life is for you because of your (1. social disorder 2. disability 3. addiction 4. economic problem 5. relationship status 6. children 7. chronic disease 8. general burdens in life that are unique to only you of course)
Also, you have made it quite clear that no matter what we do, or how long it is after you are well, no matter how much we listen and care, you still need all of the attention. You still are never satisfied with anything or anyone, and nothing is good enough. And you can't believe how dare someone get more attention than me, how undeserving are they, you are better and more important than they are, you have been through so much more. I mean, you don't actually know THEM over THERE, but obviously you are much worse off. YOUR call light is more important than theirs (so what if it's a code blue?), YOUR phone call is BETTER than THEIRS. Your prayer request is the MOST URGENT.
We should feel so sorry for you, and just give and give and give.
6 months later at your office visit, or your coffee visit with us, or wherever, it is still the same. You have all these problems, and they are more important than ours. You have made no effort to change anything in your life (you have heart disease but you still smoke, you have relationship problems but you do not have standards, you have spiritual problems but just can't find the time to go to church, you have addiction problems but can't change your habits, you feel lost and alone but won't read the Bible, you have diabetes but you eat carbs all day) because you have a ROUTINE, and YOU need it, and you are too important and too busy to change these things, or you just don't want to and you have the BEST excuses. Besides, this is OUR fault, at the very least we have to hear about it and BE EMPATHETIC to YOUR needs. WE "just don't understand" YOU, we don't care enough, we don't know how hard it is.
Sometimes your problems have been solved, but only replaced by new problems. We remind you now that you have that job or relationship you've always wanted, but you remind us how stupid we are. THAT didn't make you happy (even though you said that was all you needed), in fact it only caused more NEW and AWFUL problems.
You call the office constantly, you schedule meetings with your pastor/teacher/doctor to whine so you can feel better about yourself afterwards, you update your facebook status everyday with a new woe just to let everyone know how hard life is for you each day (and this is good for fishing for a quick sympathy fix), you call and text your friends or you stay at home and shun them on purpose.
You hate other people who are like you, because they are getting attention. You hate people who aren't like you, because they aren't giving you attention. You aren't involved as a volunteer, you aren't involved in the community, you don't give to charity (unless it's for tax write off), your first thoughts are of your needs. You neglect your life partner and take people for granted. You alienate friends and avoid making new ones because people are "so needy!" and you can't stand to listen to them. You are offended that your pastor asks you to come to church on Sunday, much less WORK in a MINISTRY. You are offended your doctor asks you to make simple life changes that impeded on your preferred diet or lifestyle. You say God is important but He is your last priority. You are good at manipulating people. You are a control freak. You are lazy. You keep people at a distance unless they suit your needs. In fact, in general, other people are very annoying and pretty useless to you unless they "mesh" or "click" with you and contribute to your needs.
You don't make friends or make an effort to care about other people that annoy you. You don't want to get involved with church because it is full of people who are annoying and don't understand you. You don't give and love your family because they are annoying and they don't understand you. You break off relationships or ignore the current ones because they are too much drama for you.
If one thing in your life goes wrong, everything is wrong. You try to compartmentalize to avoid this, to stay in control. You let everyone know when something is disappointing and out of your routine and how inconvenient it is, but you are incapable of being transparent and letting people know when you are a depressed and lonely.
You are selfish.
You are nearsighted.
You are inward focused.
You are a taker.
You are a breaker.
You are blind to your need for a Savior.
You are sinful.
You are jealous.
You are prejudice.
You are hating your neighbor.
You are unaware of your need for a Savior.
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
but you think you'll hold together forever.
You know you're low, but you play so high.
You can't play as your own God forever.
I've seen about as much of YOU(s) as I can stand this week. I'm your pastor's wife, I'm your nurse, I'm your friend, I'm your neighbor - I'm not perfect. I do these things too, I'm selfish by nature. But you, YOU are everywhere! We need less of you. I need less ME in me, too, and more God. Why can't WE look outside ourselves to others? Why do we look at other people and see "ANNOYING -- " instead of seeing someone God loves? Someone who is a good friend? Someone who care about us? Why do we spew hate and not love?
And you who have no excuse? Who have been a "CHRISTIAN?" What is the deal?
You remind me of a Keith Green song ==
Do you see, do you see
All the people sinking down
Don't you care, don't you care
Are you gonna let them drown
How can you be so numb
Not to care if they come
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done
"Oh bless me lord, bless me Lord"
You know it's all I ever hear
No one aches, no one hurts
No one even sheds one tear
But He cries, He weeps, He bleeds
And He cares for your needs
And you just lay back
And keep soaking it in
Oh can't you see it's such a sin
'Cause He brings people to you door
And you turn them away
As you smile and say
"God bless you, be at peace"
And all heaven just weeps
'Cause Jesus came to you door
You've left him out on the streets
Open up open up
And give yourself away
You see the need, you hear the cries
So how can you delay
God's calling and you're the one
But like Jonah you run
He's told you to speak
But you keep holding it in
Of can't you see it's such a sin
The world is sleeping in the dark
That the church just can't fight
'Cause it's asleep in the light
How can you be so dead
When you've been so well fed
Jesus rose from the grave
And you, you can't even get out of bed
Oh, Jesus rose from the dead
Come on get out of your bed
How can you be so numb
Not to care if they come
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done
Don't close your eyes
Don't pretend the job's done
"Come away, come away, come away with me my love
Come away, come away, come away with me my love
Friday, October 16, 2009
laminin and black holes
The last two weeks in Bible study we have watched two videos by Louie Giglio because we are in-between Bible study materials. (Our next study is a John Piper study which I am really looking forward to. But the books haven't come in the mail yet. Lame, publishers, lame!!)
The first video was called "Indescribable" and he talked a lot about space and showed pictures of different galaxies and amazing awesome universe things to show how big the universe is. This was one of those "whoa, weird" moments for me because I had JUST been perusing great space photos the DAY BEFORE! Which you can see on my October 6, 2009 blog entry. I had literally wasted like 3 hours just reading about galaxies and novas and been in awe of God's universe. All by myself. Without some preacher guy I don't know pointing it out to me. Anyway, yes, the next day our Bible study was on the indescribable beauty and awe and expanse of the universe and how even bigger and amazing God is. So keep in mind I was in awe and had a "wow God!" moment before the last five minutes of the video came on.
Which you can watch the last bit here by the way if you want to.
He describes how an image of the center of the Whirlpool galaxy popped out at him from 31 million light years away (okay I'm paraphrasing really bad you should probably watch the clip) and alas! alack! it is in the shape of a cross! His jaw dropped open! He fell off his chair!
Meanwhile, I am staring at our plasma TV displaying the image quite nicely (because the video leaves it up there for quite awhile) and I do NOT see what he is talking about. Like, I really honestly don't see it. And I say that to the three other people next to me, and Josh tells me to go put my glasses on. But that's not really what I was saying. I SEE the "X" that made the impression on the speaker, I SEE the white, bright, kind of sideways blobby type cross and can understand why someone who had cross on the mind would say, "hey! that's sort of cross looking!"... but I don't SEE like Giglio sees.
I was really tracking for the most part up until this point, like emotionally tracking with him - wow, awesome, God is the Creator - the Maker- the infinity - amazing! It was like God had been directing my thoughts even before this video, maybe to prepare me to be more in awe of Him, because of the all things I had read and looked at about space before the video. Sure, the background keyboard sensationalist muzac to stir emotion in the crowd was super annoying. The mere fact that I was tolerating the speaker to this point was actually quite phenomenal because I usually find the gelled-hair on TV with their own worship band on tour types annoying and certainly not enough to invest emotionally into what they are saying. But it was a good talk. Until... until the blobby white and black shadow cross thing. Which to me did not look like a cross at all, I even tried to imagine what he must be seeing, but I could not see it.
And then after I opened my mouth and said something, which I tend to blurt stuff out without thinking, I was met with three pairs of eyes that all seemed to say, "Well, we see it. What's wrong with you."
So I was a little miffed and tried to forget about it, but it still bothered me the rest of the week. Why didn't I see it? Am I that cynical? Am I what some of those prophet writer guys in the Bible referred to as stone heads and blind eyes and stuff? Am I supposed to be seeing Jesus symbols in my everyday life to be reminded of God?
And then there was the second week's video. Which kind of set me over the edge. Here's a clip of the last few minutes:
Now first of all some positive points about this video:
I enjoyed it up until the last eight minutes.
He spends most of the video talking about planets that have been discovered and then lines them up in order for HUGENESS and it was so awesome! I mean like our sun? In our solar system? Is like a tiny speck compared to these planets. How insignificant I felt when I saw those on the projector screen... and yet God knows me and made me. This would have been enough for me. Giglio could've (and should've I would argue) ended his talk right there. How great is our God, and yet he sent his only Son to die for us on the cross (not a shadowy blobby thing in space camera vision but the actual Roman crucifixion cross). I do love that he reads from Colossians and mentions the supremacy of Christ, etc. Why not preach about that? Why not read more scripture?
But no. Noooo. He has to end with his "left hook" and go off on a laminin tangent. You can read more about laminin in the links below, but basically it's the protein or "glue" that holds our cells together. Colassians 1:15-17 is mentioned to make his point - Laminin looks like a cross (in scientific diagrams), Jesus' symbol is the cross, laminin holds life together, Jesus holds life together ("and in Him all things hold together"). Therefore laminin = Jesus.
This time I "SEE" it. Yup that's a cross alright:
But I immediately see something else that I see often in my field of work:
In my mind, laminin does not equal Jesus symbol. Yet again my mind screamed "sensationalism! this is wrong!" but I held my tongue. He had completely lost my interest at this point, mentally and emotionally, and the piano/strings keyboard patch was grating on my ears. I sipped some tea and shoved a few jalapeno pepper jelly tartlets in my mouth to calm down. At this point I'm thinking to myself, this guy really believes in what he is saying, he really sees God in these little things. He sees illustrations to share Jesus, genuinely, with young people because he cares for them and their souls and wants them to know God cares for them, they aren't insignificant, God knows every hair on their head and every tiny cellular structure. This is important for people to hear. How could I be "irked" at this guy for wanting to share God's love and desire for us to be in a true relationship with Him.
How could I...
Well I am. Later I went on the internets to look up laminin to make sure Giglio's molecular biologist friend wasn't pulling my leg. I was surprised to find this video was pretty popular on the internet awhile back as an inbox forward and link to your friend type thing. There were even Christian bloggers who have blogged about it before me.
This guy's blog post I ran across made me think in a less cynical light. He certainly sounds a lot smarter than me. I do not have a lot of background to go on for Bible stuffs... I never went to Bible college. My daily devotion time is just reading the Bible and praying, no study guides or smart books. Everything I've learned about theology and doctrine is from kind of half-ass Baptist sunday school classes and really good far and few in-between theology books (which I do not think I absorb as much as I should from and have to read over and over to understand) and more recently, my really awesome husband who knows stuff, and also lots of podcasts from preachers and professors. I also observed a lot apologetic type discussions on the RI, when it wasn't about "I Kissed Dating Goodbye"... and those friends are probably the opinions I would go to for this kind of thing. Which is mostly why I am posting this blog (I'm talking to you James Rhea and Miss Cassie) hoping to gain insight.
So this guy, whoever he is because I didn't bother to read the rest of his blog, poses some good questions about the laminin talk:
and....
Eh, maybe not so great answers to these questions. I wish I could come up with better answers but I do not know how to form my thoughts further on the subject. I guess our personal experiences with God are all different, much different, and what drives our desire to seek God are different. And we have different spiritual gifts and see things different ways.
In my life, the more I learn about science and the human physiology (which is something I study for hours everyday), the further I am drawn towards a relationship with God and the firmer my belief in God cements. My faith grows, but not because I see little cross shaped cells and see SIGNS and WONDERS in the universe in a magical, sensational way. It is because I see we are fearfully and intricately and wonderfully made. It is because I see that the universe is indescribably ginormous and I am completely stupid and should be less then an amoeba on God's scale, but he knows me and cares for me, even the stupid stuff, and cares for the little birds and probably the little amoebas in the swamp even though Jesus didn't happen to mention those things in His talks. I am but a vapor. We cannot even grasp the basic mysteries of God's creation.
So, is it wrong for this guy Giglio to go off on his signs and wonders kick and preach about Jesus symbols? Honestly, I don't know. Probably not. God used tons of signs and wonders with the Israelites and they forgot about Him like, what, two months later? If Mr. Giglio sees Jesus in small things, and is reminded of God in cell structures, how different is that from me seeing God's hand in tiny details of my life like when I say, "God provided this flour jar when I needed one!" when one appears on the free table at work and I take it home. To someone else that is a happy coincidence. To me that week it was an encouragement, a reminder that God provides and cares for even the tiniest thing in my life.
Grace. God gives us grace, especially our feeble attempts to understand that which we will never be able to understand, and describe what we will never be able to describe. Grace is important in the Christian life. Josh tells me a lot that Christianity is like looking at a diamond, everyone has a different point of view on it but it is still the same beautiful diamond. Okay I am totally butchering his metaphor and you will have to ask him. It was something about when he talks about different denominations. Wow I am really butchering it. Okay I'll stop now.
I did run across a lot of people on the internets who easily turned Giglio's laminin talk into "Jesus is magic!" and totally shredded his point- like, wow! Laminin looks like that thing from Greek mythology! The Greek gods are really true! Long live Zeus! and just totally made fun of him and stuff...which is why I think he should've just stopped his talk before the Laminin thing. It's a weak point to end on, I think. God gave us scripture for a reason.
The first video was called "Indescribable" and he talked a lot about space and showed pictures of different galaxies and amazing awesome universe things to show how big the universe is. This was one of those "whoa, weird" moments for me because I had JUST been perusing great space photos the DAY BEFORE! Which you can see on my October 6, 2009 blog entry. I had literally wasted like 3 hours just reading about galaxies and novas and been in awe of God's universe. All by myself. Without some preacher guy I don't know pointing it out to me. Anyway, yes, the next day our Bible study was on the indescribable beauty and awe and expanse of the universe and how even bigger and amazing God is. So keep in mind I was in awe and had a "wow God!" moment before the last five minutes of the video came on.
Which you can watch the last bit here by the way if you want to.
He describes how an image of the center of the Whirlpool galaxy popped out at him from 31 million light years away (okay I'm paraphrasing really bad you should probably watch the clip) and alas! alack! it is in the shape of a cross! His jaw dropped open! He fell off his chair!
Meanwhile, I am staring at our plasma TV displaying the image quite nicely (because the video leaves it up there for quite awhile) and I do NOT see what he is talking about. Like, I really honestly don't see it. And I say that to the three other people next to me, and Josh tells me to go put my glasses on. But that's not really what I was saying. I SEE the "X" that made the impression on the speaker, I SEE the white, bright, kind of sideways blobby type cross and can understand why someone who had cross on the mind would say, "hey! that's sort of cross looking!"... but I don't SEE like Giglio sees.
I was really tracking for the most part up until this point, like emotionally tracking with him - wow, awesome, God is the Creator - the Maker- the infinity - amazing! It was like God had been directing my thoughts even before this video, maybe to prepare me to be more in awe of Him, because of the all things I had read and looked at about space before the video. Sure, the background keyboard sensationalist muzac to stir emotion in the crowd was super annoying. The mere fact that I was tolerating the speaker to this point was actually quite phenomenal because I usually find the gelled-hair on TV with their own worship band on tour types annoying and certainly not enough to invest emotionally into what they are saying. But it was a good talk. Until... until the blobby white and black shadow cross thing. Which to me did not look like a cross at all, I even tried to imagine what he must be seeing, but I could not see it.
And then after I opened my mouth and said something, which I tend to blurt stuff out without thinking, I was met with three pairs of eyes that all seemed to say, "Well, we see it. What's wrong with you."
So I was a little miffed and tried to forget about it, but it still bothered me the rest of the week. Why didn't I see it? Am I that cynical? Am I what some of those prophet writer guys in the Bible referred to as stone heads and blind eyes and stuff? Am I supposed to be seeing Jesus symbols in my everyday life to be reminded of God?
And then there was the second week's video. Which kind of set me over the edge. Here's a clip of the last few minutes:
Now first of all some positive points about this video:
I enjoyed it up until the last eight minutes.
He spends most of the video talking about planets that have been discovered and then lines them up in order for HUGENESS and it was so awesome! I mean like our sun? In our solar system? Is like a tiny speck compared to these planets. How insignificant I felt when I saw those on the projector screen... and yet God knows me and made me. This would have been enough for me. Giglio could've (and should've I would argue) ended his talk right there. How great is our God, and yet he sent his only Son to die for us on the cross (not a shadowy blobby thing in space camera vision but the actual Roman crucifixion cross). I do love that he reads from Colossians and mentions the supremacy of Christ, etc. Why not preach about that? Why not read more scripture?
But no. Noooo. He has to end with his "left hook" and go off on a laminin tangent. You can read more about laminin in the links below, but basically it's the protein or "glue" that holds our cells together. Colassians 1:15-17 is mentioned to make his point - Laminin looks like a cross (in scientific diagrams), Jesus' symbol is the cross, laminin holds life together, Jesus holds life together ("and in Him all things hold together"). Therefore laminin = Jesus.
This time I "SEE" it. Yup that's a cross alright:
But I immediately see something else that I see often in my field of work:
In my mind, laminin does not equal Jesus symbol. Yet again my mind screamed "sensationalism! this is wrong!" but I held my tongue. He had completely lost my interest at this point, mentally and emotionally, and the piano/strings keyboard patch was grating on my ears. I sipped some tea and shoved a few jalapeno pepper jelly tartlets in my mouth to calm down. At this point I'm thinking to myself, this guy really believes in what he is saying, he really sees God in these little things. He sees illustrations to share Jesus, genuinely, with young people because he cares for them and their souls and wants them to know God cares for them, they aren't insignificant, God knows every hair on their head and every tiny cellular structure. This is important for people to hear. How could I be "irked" at this guy for wanting to share God's love and desire for us to be in a true relationship with Him.
How could I...
Well I am. Later I went on the internets to look up laminin to make sure Giglio's molecular biologist friend wasn't pulling my leg. I was surprised to find this video was pretty popular on the internet awhile back as an inbox forward and link to your friend type thing. There were even Christian bloggers who have blogged about it before me.
This guy's blog post I ran across made me think in a less cynical light. He certainly sounds a lot smarter than me. I do not have a lot of background to go on for Bible stuffs... I never went to Bible college. My daily devotion time is just reading the Bible and praying, no study guides or smart books. Everything I've learned about theology and doctrine is from kind of half-ass Baptist sunday school classes and really good far and few in-between theology books (which I do not think I absorb as much as I should from and have to read over and over to understand) and more recently, my really awesome husband who knows stuff, and also lots of podcasts from preachers and professors. I also observed a lot apologetic type discussions on the RI, when it wasn't about "I Kissed Dating Goodbye"... and those friends are probably the opinions I would go to for this kind of thing. Which is mostly why I am posting this blog (I'm talking to you James Rhea and Miss Cassie) hoping to gain insight.
So this guy, whoever he is because I didn't bother to read the rest of his blog, poses some good questions about the laminin talk:
So, does this disqualify the teaching as irrelevant or inaccurate?
I would suggest, “no.” Why? Because a spiritual experience is always esoteric and interpretative. Crafting a connection is part of the gifting that God seems to give to communicators (like Giglio), and instead of criticizing its accuracy, we ought to be applauding its ability to move people, bring people to a sense of awe, and wonder.
I was with a surgeon when I saw Giglio give this talk, and she said that she of course knew about laminin but never put the two together the way Giglio did. She felt it was an “interesting” interpretation, and yet was still moved and touched by the commentary our biology was seemingly making on the realities of our existence. Whether or not Jesus’ cross was actually that shape was irrelevant. The point stands on its own without the need to clutter it with historical criticism. And that’s okay.
and....
Is it then reasonable for someone to be skeptical, even apathetic towards these kinds of endeavors?
Sure. “This is a free country” as they say. But through these talks I suggest that the best way to be human is not to deny ourselves the search for significance, casting it aside as some sort of evolutionary fluke, but rather embrace our nomadic wandering through the universe as something to fill our souls with meaning. What cannot be denied is the experience, and I suggest that phenomenology is evidence that humanity desires to be anchored in something meaningful and moving. And that desire, that drive, is never going away.
Eh, maybe not so great answers to these questions. I wish I could come up with better answers but I do not know how to form my thoughts further on the subject. I guess our personal experiences with God are all different, much different, and what drives our desire to seek God are different. And we have different spiritual gifts and see things different ways.
In my life, the more I learn about science and the human physiology (which is something I study for hours everyday), the further I am drawn towards a relationship with God and the firmer my belief in God cements. My faith grows, but not because I see little cross shaped cells and see SIGNS and WONDERS in the universe in a magical, sensational way. It is because I see we are fearfully and intricately and wonderfully made. It is because I see that the universe is indescribably ginormous and I am completely stupid and should be less then an amoeba on God's scale, but he knows me and cares for me, even the stupid stuff, and cares for the little birds and probably the little amoebas in the swamp even though Jesus didn't happen to mention those things in His talks. I am but a vapor. We cannot even grasp the basic mysteries of God's creation.
So, is it wrong for this guy Giglio to go off on his signs and wonders kick and preach about Jesus symbols? Honestly, I don't know. Probably not. God used tons of signs and wonders with the Israelites and they forgot about Him like, what, two months later? If Mr. Giglio sees Jesus in small things, and is reminded of God in cell structures, how different is that from me seeing God's hand in tiny details of my life like when I say, "God provided this flour jar when I needed one!" when one appears on the free table at work and I take it home. To someone else that is a happy coincidence. To me that week it was an encouragement, a reminder that God provides and cares for even the tiniest thing in my life.
Grace. God gives us grace, especially our feeble attempts to understand that which we will never be able to understand, and describe what we will never be able to describe. Grace is important in the Christian life. Josh tells me a lot that Christianity is like looking at a diamond, everyone has a different point of view on it but it is still the same beautiful diamond. Okay I am totally butchering his metaphor and you will have to ask him. It was something about when he talks about different denominations. Wow I am really butchering it. Okay I'll stop now.
I did run across a lot of people on the internets who easily turned Giglio's laminin talk into "Jesus is magic!" and totally shredded his point- like, wow! Laminin looks like that thing from Greek mythology! The Greek gods are really true! Long live Zeus! and just totally made fun of him and stuff...which is why I think he should've just stopped his talk before the Laminin thing. It's a weak point to end on, I think. God gave us scripture for a reason.
Friday, October 09, 2009
helper is helpless
i have had some really sad stories this week.
every patient has a story, but these ones are truly heartbreaking.
and there is only so much i can do, and so much the social workers can do,
and beyond that -
it's like,
okay i don't really know how to explain it. like this one patient, at the point in her life when her kids and family should be helping her and caretaking, instead they are taking her money and neglecting her and... TOTALLY taking advantage of her. I'm sure they have been abusing her, they are angry people, it's just sad. and she says things like "i deserve it" or "i don't say anything because i'm guilty"
i have noticed a recurring theme, and i hate to say it, but it is true this week with these particular people, these patients have made poor life decisions in the past and it is catching up with them. drug abuse, poor choices in relationships, addiction issues, quitting school, neglecting children... allowing people into their lives who shouldn't be. anger, resentment.
now they are facing end of life issues, and they are helpless to care for themselves and manage the things they used to now that they are sick and weak. through the 20s, 30s, 40s, they were able to take care of themselves. broken relationships, could handle on their own. not letting addiction get in the way too much, handle on their own. holding down jobs, handle on their own. dealing with their kids or troublesome boyfriends/girlfriends, handle on their own. making money, being successful, all on their own strength.
they didn't "need" God. they didn't "need" unconditional love. they didn't need a church. "I just wanted to be a good person, and I can do that and I have been." or "I just wanted to have fun, religion holds you back."
another patient was telling me "I thought I had time to figure out God Stuff later. And now I don't have time."
And really -- honestly, a huge part of my job is extending life. Transplants, mechanical hearts, etc. -- they all give you a SECOND chance at life. And yet this week I saw someone throw their second chance away with a second-round of alcohol/drug abuse. "It makes me feel good" "It's how I cope" ... "I feel overwhelmed, its the only thing I turn to" ....At that split second before facing your own demise, you'd think it'd change your mind, your heart. Oh look, my body can't do this living thing on it's own, I can't do this on my own, I cry out to who for help? That patient cried out to God. I heard them do it. Well here is their second chance, and they still try it on their own. When God is so THERE, I mean, like, so SIMPLE to turn it over to Jesus. Just rest in Him. Find forgiveness. Find peace. Find grace, real grace, the kind that is unconditional love, that changes you and your family, the God that answers your prayers, the One that is always faithful... It's not just your physical body that needs God...
It makes me think about the decisions we make when we are young, and how important they are. Especially relationships. Who we allow into our lives, and especially who we choose to spend the rest of our life with. Oh sure, falling in love is easy to do. Even getting serious and settling down, people can totally do that without God. Then you just figure it all out later, right?
Why not "figure it out" before? Why not have a real relationship with God, some real morality, and make good decisions for your future before you mess everything up? Why not let God in earlier?
Do they think He would've ruined everything? Ruined all their fun?
Wow what fun divorce was after having two kids. What fun finding out Mr. Right was Mr. Doesn't love God or you, maybe at first, until a sexier girl comes along.
What fun addictions were, and depression, and neglecting your children. What great things to go through alone and on your own strength.
What fun it is now to be alone. In a hospital bed. Talking about your life with a stranger, a nurse, who is paid to be there, who you just met yesterday.
every patient has a story, but these ones are truly heartbreaking.
and there is only so much i can do, and so much the social workers can do,
and beyond that -
it's like,
okay i don't really know how to explain it. like this one patient, at the point in her life when her kids and family should be helping her and caretaking, instead they are taking her money and neglecting her and... TOTALLY taking advantage of her. I'm sure they have been abusing her, they are angry people, it's just sad. and she says things like "i deserve it" or "i don't say anything because i'm guilty"
i have noticed a recurring theme, and i hate to say it, but it is true this week with these particular people, these patients have made poor life decisions in the past and it is catching up with them. drug abuse, poor choices in relationships, addiction issues, quitting school, neglecting children... allowing people into their lives who shouldn't be. anger, resentment.
now they are facing end of life issues, and they are helpless to care for themselves and manage the things they used to now that they are sick and weak. through the 20s, 30s, 40s, they were able to take care of themselves. broken relationships, could handle on their own. not letting addiction get in the way too much, handle on their own. holding down jobs, handle on their own. dealing with their kids or troublesome boyfriends/girlfriends, handle on their own. making money, being successful, all on their own strength.
they didn't "need" God. they didn't "need" unconditional love. they didn't need a church. "I just wanted to be a good person, and I can do that and I have been." or "I just wanted to have fun, religion holds you back."
another patient was telling me "I thought I had time to figure out God Stuff later. And now I don't have time."
And really -- honestly, a huge part of my job is extending life. Transplants, mechanical hearts, etc. -- they all give you a SECOND chance at life. And yet this week I saw someone throw their second chance away with a second-round of alcohol/drug abuse. "It makes me feel good" "It's how I cope" ... "I feel overwhelmed, its the only thing I turn to" ....At that split second before facing your own demise, you'd think it'd change your mind, your heart. Oh look, my body can't do this living thing on it's own, I can't do this on my own, I cry out to who for help? That patient cried out to God. I heard them do it. Well here is their second chance, and they still try it on their own. When God is so THERE, I mean, like, so SIMPLE to turn it over to Jesus. Just rest in Him. Find forgiveness. Find peace. Find grace, real grace, the kind that is unconditional love, that changes you and your family, the God that answers your prayers, the One that is always faithful... It's not just your physical body that needs God...
It makes me think about the decisions we make when we are young, and how important they are. Especially relationships. Who we allow into our lives, and especially who we choose to spend the rest of our life with. Oh sure, falling in love is easy to do. Even getting serious and settling down, people can totally do that without God. Then you just figure it all out later, right?
Why not "figure it out" before? Why not have a real relationship with God, some real morality, and make good decisions for your future before you mess everything up? Why not let God in earlier?
Do they think He would've ruined everything? Ruined all their fun?
Wow what fun divorce was after having two kids. What fun finding out Mr. Right was Mr. Doesn't love God or you, maybe at first, until a sexier girl comes along.
What fun addictions were, and depression, and neglecting your children. What great things to go through alone and on your own strength.
What fun it is now to be alone. In a hospital bed. Talking about your life with a stranger, a nurse, who is paid to be there, who you just met yesterday.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
forgiveness enough
please pardon the horrible grammar/spelling in this very rambly post. i didnt edit.
things have calmed a bit at work. due to hippa law i can't tell you anything about anything, but let's just say certain patients with certain problems were sent to certain specialists to get certain things inserted into their bodies which is always a source of celebration around these parts in organ failure land. whether it be mechanical or from a donor, it gives you a second chance of life and is a controversial miracle. oh how i wish i could share the incredible stories!! and just how happy and awesome it is! and how emotionally draining and yet fulfilling and energizing it is to work as a nurse in this field - all at the same time, weirdness and happiness and despair and laughter, all at once... usually i only have one or two patients like this every few months, this month i had four! all at once! eek!
anyway, today was incredibly uneventful at work, but i realized just how far behind emergent things put you... with non-emergent things. like paperwork. and phone calls to insurance. and phone calls to pharmacies. and phone calls to chronic dz pts. and more paperwork. and charting. oh and more charting. and more fighting with insurance. oh and the staff is super upset and stressed out from last week, so everyone is calling in sick, and the nursing assistants take frequent smoke breaks and are rarely available to their well, uhm, JOB.
it all adds up. just today i had 75 calls on my phone from patients. all little things, requests, questions about results, prognosis, family members, concerns, worries. it seemed every call someone had something kind of bad going on in their life, medical or otherwise - it made me feel small talking to them, offering what reassurance or answers i could. i thought, dude, here i spent the weekend with a bit of a bad cold (stupid summer colds) and feeling sorry for myself and especially pitiful Sunday morning, having a bit (or a two hour long) of an emotional meltdown from all the stress at work of the previous week, the whole "oh i just can't face another week again" deal, and of course it all faded within a few hours and i was myself again (except for the stuffy nose). i hugged my ever-cheerful husband who loves me inspite of the above noted emotional outburst, i also prayed to my Rock and my Salvation who is my Comforter. i remembered all the blessings He has provided, especially all the happy edible reminders out in the garden which shimmer in the sunshine. and i felt small. and humbled. and today again, so small, so humble. For whatever reason, God has blessed me. I do not know why He chose me to bless, i do not deserve it. but He does. and He continues to. talking with all these patients, who have so many, many urgent problems or pain or illness right in their face right now - i just, i have it so easy i think. so so easy.
i heard about this guy that Josh was reading to me about on Saturday night - there was this really sick guy, and his friends and family grew more concerned about his condition, and he was in and out of the hospital, and they took him to every doctor and medical clinic and specialist, and finally his condition grew worse and worse until he was weaker, and weaker, and in pain all the time, and finally he was paralyzed. his mother and father despaired for him, for he had so many dreams and they had so many dreams for him and what he would become. his brothers and friends swore to find him a cure, and they gave their hard earned money and gave of their time searching the country and even overseas for any treatment, anyone who could shed light on the cause of his illness. test after test, treatment after treatment, nothing, it just got worse.
finally, they heard of a religious teacher who had healed people of their illnesses. nothing else had worked - they made the journey to find him. there were throngs of people surrounding the building, it was impossible to get inside, especially with a paralyzed guy. but the brothers would not give up - they dug through a frickin ROOF. Yah, they like, chopped up the roof and put a huge hole in some guy's roof. i dunno if it was because they really had faith in the teacher, that he was really God, or if they were just desperate for answers, for hope - but they did it. Broke probably a bunch of laws like trespassing, destroying property, endangering people who were below them when a roof caved in -- but they didn't care. they were like screw it, my brother needs help. no one else can help him.
when the teacher saw them and the paralyzed guy, he said, "Son, your sins are forgiven."
a hush fell over the crowd - seriously? i mean, that's nice and all, but, isn't this guy's REAL problem kind of obvious? like, hello, he has a serious disease here... he's paralyzed... he's in pain... he is not the person that he should be.
i think i would like to just leave the story here. that it where i left it. for a few minutes at least. you're in pain. you are weak. you are paralyzed now after battling this illness for years and years. you just think, if only i could see God face to face, if he could really see me and know what i am going through, he would heal me. he would change all of this. his whole family prayed for YEARS - years - for his healing and his relief from this disease. they dug through a frickin roof i still can't believe it - and God told the guy "Your sins are forgiven."
now we do know the rest of the story, the guy was healed. but what if we didn't know the rest of the story. what if it was just left at, "your sins are forgiven."
sometimes it is the end of the story. "your sins are forgiven" - is that enough for you?
things have calmed a bit at work. due to hippa law i can't tell you anything about anything, but let's just say certain patients with certain problems were sent to certain specialists to get certain things inserted into their bodies which is always a source of celebration around these parts in organ failure land. whether it be mechanical or from a donor, it gives you a second chance of life and is a controversial miracle. oh how i wish i could share the incredible stories!! and just how happy and awesome it is! and how emotionally draining and yet fulfilling and energizing it is to work as a nurse in this field - all at the same time, weirdness and happiness and despair and laughter, all at once... usually i only have one or two patients like this every few months, this month i had four! all at once! eek!
anyway, today was incredibly uneventful at work, but i realized just how far behind emergent things put you... with non-emergent things. like paperwork. and phone calls to insurance. and phone calls to pharmacies. and phone calls to chronic dz pts. and more paperwork. and charting. oh and more charting. and more fighting with insurance. oh and the staff is super upset and stressed out from last week, so everyone is calling in sick, and the nursing assistants take frequent smoke breaks and are rarely available to their well, uhm, JOB.
it all adds up. just today i had 75 calls on my phone from patients. all little things, requests, questions about results, prognosis, family members, concerns, worries. it seemed every call someone had something kind of bad going on in their life, medical or otherwise - it made me feel small talking to them, offering what reassurance or answers i could. i thought, dude, here i spent the weekend with a bit of a bad cold (stupid summer colds) and feeling sorry for myself and especially pitiful Sunday morning, having a bit (or a two hour long) of an emotional meltdown from all the stress at work of the previous week, the whole "oh i just can't face another week again" deal, and of course it all faded within a few hours and i was myself again (except for the stuffy nose). i hugged my ever-cheerful husband who loves me inspite of the above noted emotional outburst, i also prayed to my Rock and my Salvation who is my Comforter. i remembered all the blessings He has provided, especially all the happy edible reminders out in the garden which shimmer in the sunshine. and i felt small. and humbled. and today again, so small, so humble. For whatever reason, God has blessed me. I do not know why He chose me to bless, i do not deserve it. but He does. and He continues to. talking with all these patients, who have so many, many urgent problems or pain or illness right in their face right now - i just, i have it so easy i think. so so easy.
i heard about this guy that Josh was reading to me about on Saturday night - there was this really sick guy, and his friends and family grew more concerned about his condition, and he was in and out of the hospital, and they took him to every doctor and medical clinic and specialist, and finally his condition grew worse and worse until he was weaker, and weaker, and in pain all the time, and finally he was paralyzed. his mother and father despaired for him, for he had so many dreams and they had so many dreams for him and what he would become. his brothers and friends swore to find him a cure, and they gave their hard earned money and gave of their time searching the country and even overseas for any treatment, anyone who could shed light on the cause of his illness. test after test, treatment after treatment, nothing, it just got worse.
finally, they heard of a religious teacher who had healed people of their illnesses. nothing else had worked - they made the journey to find him. there were throngs of people surrounding the building, it was impossible to get inside, especially with a paralyzed guy. but the brothers would not give up - they dug through a frickin ROOF. Yah, they like, chopped up the roof and put a huge hole in some guy's roof. i dunno if it was because they really had faith in the teacher, that he was really God, or if they were just desperate for answers, for hope - but they did it. Broke probably a bunch of laws like trespassing, destroying property, endangering people who were below them when a roof caved in -- but they didn't care. they were like screw it, my brother needs help. no one else can help him.
when the teacher saw them and the paralyzed guy, he said, "Son, your sins are forgiven."
a hush fell over the crowd - seriously? i mean, that's nice and all, but, isn't this guy's REAL problem kind of obvious? like, hello, he has a serious disease here... he's paralyzed... he's in pain... he is not the person that he should be.
i think i would like to just leave the story here. that it where i left it. for a few minutes at least. you're in pain. you are weak. you are paralyzed now after battling this illness for years and years. you just think, if only i could see God face to face, if he could really see me and know what i am going through, he would heal me. he would change all of this. his whole family prayed for YEARS - years - for his healing and his relief from this disease. they dug through a frickin roof i still can't believe it - and God told the guy "Your sins are forgiven."
now we do know the rest of the story, the guy was healed. but what if we didn't know the rest of the story. what if it was just left at, "your sins are forgiven."
sometimes it is the end of the story. "your sins are forgiven" - is that enough for you?
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
dream
i had a dream that i was in heaven (it looked a lot like the Seattle area but sunnier and cleaner) and that i had just gotten there and kind of "moved in" and lived near all my friends in relatives in a pretty sweet heavenish condo looking place, and that i was trying to count up how many millions of people were living in this heaven place, and how on earth God knew them all or how i would even get to hang out or meet God 'cause so many people were in heaven, like billions of people from what i figured.
everyone was speaking language i could understand, but there was a lot of cultural differences, like there was some Bible-times looking people who were herding sheep and living in tents on some grassy hills... and i was like whoa, that's weird i don't think i want to meet them.
then i walked some more and kept thinking on how I was going to meet God and how on earth these billions of people were going to fit around this table to eat with God all at the same time, and then i finally said to myself, oh wait, there's no time here, just eternity, so it won't be a problem, silly me.
and then i woke up.
everyone was speaking language i could understand, but there was a lot of cultural differences, like there was some Bible-times looking people who were herding sheep and living in tents on some grassy hills... and i was like whoa, that's weird i don't think i want to meet them.
then i walked some more and kept thinking on how I was going to meet God and how on earth these billions of people were going to fit around this table to eat with God all at the same time, and then i finally said to myself, oh wait, there's no time here, just eternity, so it won't be a problem, silly me.
and then i woke up.
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