goodbye 2009

goodbye 2009

my favorite thing about this year was making memories and learning how to use a camera so i can remember those times later on!!






saying goodbye to the worst, iciest, snowiest winter my area has seen in many years...



enjoyed spring!!





celebrated independence with friends







enjoyed the company of friends



got WAY more into gardening than i thought i would!



loved seeing my husband enjoy ministry and his job



partied





loved youth ministry and summer events with the youth



HAD WONDERFUL FOOD --- i love living in the pacific NW








had some family time....








enjoyed vacations











celebrated engagements





enjoyed my grandparents





mourned the loss of a family pet



celebrated accomplishments of friend's



hugged my husband as much as i could






this new year, 2010, holds some big changes ahead for us. i am excited, terrified, hopeful, courageous, and my heart is full of love and thankfulness.

josh i can't wait to walk into our new life together this year - i love you

Dear Patient

Dear Sir or Madam,

I see you almost everyday. You are in the hospital as an inpatient. You are at the pharmacy counter. You are in the waiting room. You are calling on the phone. You are in clinic for an office visit. You are in the procedure room for your surgery. You are in the infusion room waiting for me to start your IV. You are young or you are old. In fact, sometimes I see you at church, or at work, bible study, or other places. You just pop up everywhere and you take. This week I have seen a lot of you.

It doesn't matter to you what your family has done for you, how much they care about you, what your nurse has done, how much your friends listen to you, people who stay at your side through thick and thin - you are never satisfied. You are better than everyone and deserve all of the attention and the world revolves around you. At the very least you are more intelligent than everyone, which makes you better in any event.

If something isn't going the way you would like it you sometimes scream and cuss. Sometimes you get all passive-aggressive and sulk. Sometimes you cry and whine. Sometimes you abuse.

You "don't deserve this!" and you "deserve to be the center of attention" and "people should be paying attention" to you because of your:

a: horrible disease
b: how much pain you are in (1. physically 2. emotionally 3. both)
c: how hard life is for you because of your (1. social disorder 2. disability 3. addiction 4. economic problem 5. relationship status 6. children 7. chronic disease 8. general burdens in life that are unique to only you of course)

Also, you have made it quite clear that no matter what we do, or how long it is after you are well, no matter how much we listen and care, you still need all of the attention. You still are never satisfied with anything or anyone, and nothing is good enough. And you can't believe how dare someone get more attention than me, how undeserving are they, you are better and more important than they are, you have been through so much more. I mean, you don't actually know THEM over THERE, but obviously you are much worse off. YOUR call light is more important than theirs (so what if it's a code blue?), YOUR phone call is BETTER than THEIRS. Your prayer request is the MOST URGENT.

We should feel so sorry for you, and just give and give and give.

6 months later at your office visit, or your coffee visit with us, or wherever, it is still the same. You have all these problems, and they are more important than ours. You have made no effort to change anything in your life (you have heart disease but you still smoke, you have relationship problems but you do not have standards, you have spiritual problems but just can't find the time to go to church, you have addiction problems but can't change your habits, you feel lost and alone but won't read the Bible, you have diabetes but you eat carbs all day) because you have a ROUTINE, and YOU need it, and you are too important and too busy to change these things, or you just don't want to and you have the BEST excuses. Besides, this is OUR fault, at the very least we have to hear about it and BE EMPATHETIC to YOUR needs. WE "just don't understand" YOU, we don't care enough, we don't know how hard it is.

Sometimes your problems have been solved, but only replaced by new problems. We remind you now that you have that job or relationship you've always wanted, but you remind us how stupid we are. THAT didn't make you happy (even though you said that was all you needed), in fact it only caused more NEW and AWFUL problems.

You call the office constantly, you schedule meetings with your pastor/teacher/doctor to whine so you can feel better about yourself afterwards, you update your facebook status everyday with a new woe just to let everyone know how hard life is for you each day (and this is good for fishing for a quick sympathy fix), you call and text your friends or you stay at home and shun them on purpose.

You hate other people who are like you, because they are getting attention. You hate people who aren't like you, because they aren't giving you attention. You aren't involved as a volunteer, you aren't involved in the community, you don't give to charity (unless it's for tax write off), your first thoughts are of your needs. You neglect your life partner and take people for granted. You alienate friends and avoid making new ones because people are "so needy!" and you can't stand to listen to them. You are offended that your pastor asks you to come to church on Sunday, much less WORK in a MINISTRY. You are offended your doctor asks you to make simple life changes that impeded on your preferred diet or lifestyle. You say God is important but He is your last priority. You are good at manipulating people. You are a control freak. You are lazy. You keep people at a distance unless they suit your needs. In fact, in general, other people are very annoying and pretty useless to you unless they "mesh" or "click" with you and contribute to your needs.

You don't make friends or make an effort to care about other people that annoy you. You don't want to get involved with church because it is full of people who are annoying and don't understand you. You don't give and love your family because they are annoying and they don't understand you. You break off relationships or ignore the current ones because they are too much drama for you.

If one thing in your life goes wrong, everything is wrong. You try to compartmentalize to avoid this, to stay in control. You let everyone know when something is disappointing and out of your routine and how inconvenient it is, but you are incapable of being transparent and letting people know when you are a depressed and lonely.

You are selfish.

You are nearsighted.

You are inward focused.

You are a taker.

You are a breaker.

You are blind to your need for a Savior.

You are sinful.

You are jealous.

You are prejudice.

You are hating your neighbor.

You are unaware of your need for a Savior.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

but you think you'll hold together forever.

You know you're low, but you play so high.

You can't play as your own God forever.




I've seen about as much of YOU(s) as I can stand this week. I'm your pastor's wife, I'm your nurse, I'm your friend, I'm your neighbor - I'm not perfect. I do these things too, I'm selfish by nature. But you, YOU are everywhere! We need less of you. I need less ME in me, too, and more God. Why can't WE look outside ourselves to others? Why do we look at other people and see "ANNOYING -- " instead of seeing someone God loves? Someone who is a good friend? Someone who care about us? Why do we spew hate and not love?

And you who have no excuse? Who have been a "CHRISTIAN?" What is the deal?


You remind me of a Keith Green song ==

Do you see, do you see
All the people sinking down
Don't you care, don't you care
Are you gonna let them drown

How can you be so numb
Not to care if they come
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done

"Oh bless me lord, bless me Lord"
You know it's all I ever hear
No one aches, no one hurts
No one even sheds one tear

But He cries, He weeps, He bleeds
And He cares for your needs
And you just lay back
And keep soaking it in
Oh can't you see it's such a sin

'Cause He brings people to you door
And you turn them away
As you smile and say
"God bless you, be at peace"
And all heaven just weeps
'Cause Jesus came to you door
You've left him out on the streets

Open up open up
And give yourself away
You see the need, you hear the cries
So how can you delay

God's calling and you're the one
But like Jonah you run
He's told you to speak
But you keep holding it in
Of can't you see it's such a sin

The world is sleeping in the dark
That the church just can't fight
'Cause it's asleep in the light
How can you be so dead
When you've been so well fed
Jesus rose from the grave
And you, you can't even get out of bed

Oh, Jesus rose from the dead
Come on get out of your bed

How can you be so numb
Not to care if they come
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done

Don't close your eyes
Don't pretend the job's done
"Come away, come away, come away with me my love
Come away, come away, come away with me my love

kitchen

It's funny to watch Josh's obsession with the kitchen continue to grow over the past year and half we've been married. I find it highly entertaining - at first I thought he might be OCD, because he would lie down at night and say, "I can't sleep until the kitchen is clean" and then I would hear clanging and rinsing for some 15-20 minutes and he would come back and fall straight to sleep.

But he's not OCD, because it would be apparent in other areas of life - but alas, no, it is only the kitchen. He's no Mr. Adrian Monk (that's a TV show reference for you un-cabled). Specifically dishes being washed and counters being wiped even if there is nothing on the counters that can be seen by the naked eye. I gave him a hard time about washing a few glasses and plates with not even a full dishwasher, I mean there is only two of us we do not produce many dirty dishes, but I now see this is very important to him. Water conservation - take a back seat! This is Josh's kitchen!

I'm taking the liberty of teasing him on my blog today but I really do appreciate my Joshy. The kitchen is just one of the many things he does and enjoys doing. I am still amazed and (weirded out I guess) by living with someone with such a servant's heart. Someone who enjoys helping? Cleaning? Projects? This makes them, happy??? What?

So I'll use two separate glasses tonight, and a small and large plate during dinner, maybe dirty up two or three spoons, because I'm living the good life with Josh! Here's to you, sweetie!

moving

I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.

I helped a friend move today. It was fun - she did live on the second floor and moved to the third floor of a different apartment complex. Staairs. Boooks. Bed fraaames.

I like moving things one place to another, it's kind of like a fresh start. Even if it is down the road. I really enjoyed moving in to our first home. I enjoyed but at the same time felt sad leaving our first apartment - it was such a sentimental feeling. It was like, aww, we made spaghetti on that stove a hundred times over and it never got old. That's the window that overlooks the lake - that's where our pirate skull and bones shower curtain hung - that's where our futon used to be, until Heidi made me give it away because she hated it oh so much...

Our friend's apartment is super cute, it has a bunch more windows and looks bigger to me even though it's not. It had an elevator to the third floor THANK GOD. It's in a pretty nice part of town, although up here it seems like everything is really close by. That's what I like about this city.

Excuse me now but I have to go quarrel with Josh about how he is obsessed with running the dishwasher like ALL the time.

taboo

So playing Taboo with some friends and going through an ENTIRE box of the taboo cards was therapeutic. And hilarious. So many words you CAN'T say to describe Hillary Clinton. But oh so many you CAN that aren't listed that are now much more relevant than when that 1990s card deck was created.

We also played Cranium again which is a very northwest espresso-drinking type peoples game. No really, if someone from rural Florida was playing it they would be like what are you talking about. No, really, I don't know about that, I just wanted an example to pick on people from rural towns in Florida. Florida, hehhh. Florida... I can pick on you since you are so far away.

Anyway, everything on my list "to do" today was not accomplished, sometimes not even a quarter of the way accomplished, which I half-expected to happen since I have had NO brain power left to complete even the simplest task. It would be great if on Monday there magically appears enough staff. Granted, there was no way to foresee the wave, no, TYPHOON (we have typhoons on the west coast ahem ahem) of patients, sick patients, crazy patients, sick crazy drug seeking patients, billions of them. Usually I can admit a patient to the hospital, and just, you know, ADMIT them, put them in a bed, set them up to telemetry, assign a nurse, and they can go to the cath lab and get fixed up and it is all good.

Instead, I can't even send them for work-up in the ER. Yah, unless they want to be in the hallway being worked up with the other patients who don't have rooms in the hallway - higher acuity? In the hallway so we can keep a closer eye on you! For like hours and hours. So we have been doing work-ups and telemetry and IVs and diuresis and diagnostic caths and scans and such in our office. On an acute work-in basis. Sometimes it feels like a M*A*S*H unit, except no comic relief. And this one patient, they really needed a bed, and there wasn't one anywhere, in this huge hospital and other hospital, and it was craziness. And there is all these rules, these magical mysterious rules, about insurance and acuity and diagnoses, and if you just say the wrong thing, it sends a patient to the bottom of "the list" - all somehow related to money.

I wish I could relate the details of the case because the patients condition is very interesting, but of course I cannot in no way tell you what hospital or what case or what office or anything, so suffice to say, patient was sick, money/CEO/evil conspiracy HMO thing gets in the way, nurse(me) gets mad and yells at multiple admissions people (mostly innocents) for an hour or so, finally gets a bed. But I don't know, I guess there is crazy amounts of patients and everyone is over-worked and under-staffed. But yah, I now understand what they were talking about in school about "manager of care" for nursing - that is so, so true.

I'm ranting again. Into the wee hours of the morning I see now that I look at the clock... that's the other thing that has been off - since Josh has had classes all week, and church meetings, and working on the sermon, I've been staying up later since he has and to just get some more time with him. So, my sleep pattern is all messed up.

Next week Josh only has class on Wednesday, and I've been promised 45 hours MAX at work. Yayyy.

This too shall pass.

SNOOOORE

Josh has had a terrible cold. I don't remember the last time Josh had a cold, if ever. He doesn't get colds. If he gets sick, it's dramatic, traumatic, and it lasts 24 hours. But this cold has really dragged itself out. Also unusual, usually I am ten times sicker than he is with the same virus, but this time he is very sick and I am escaping with a mere sore throat.

Problem is, Josh's nose is all stuffed up, and he snores something TERRIBLE. I'm sure he probably already snores anyway when he's sleeping and I just don't notice, but now it is the loudest, longest snoring ever.

I can sleep through almost anything. I usually fall asleep right away and sleep "hard" until whenever my body feels like waking up. I can sleep leaning up against a wall if I have to. I can sleep on planes, trains and automobiles. If I lost my sleeping prowess I wouldn't feel like me, I would have to do some soul-searching. Even when people do successfully wake me up, I am not really awake and I will have whole conversations and then fall back asleep and promptly forget they ever occurred (got me in trouble many times with my mom attempting to give me early morning instructions). Sometimes no noise can wake me up, but Sunday evening I woke up at 3:00am with my brain telling me "Wake up already! Can't you hear that terrible noise!" I thought to myself, what is this horrible noise? Is a small animal dying? But no, it was just Josh. I couldn't wake him, so I slept on the couch the rest of the morning. More like watched Cable TV news until I had to get up and go to work.

Josh still has the cold really bad so he has been banished to sleep as far away as possible so I can get some sleep, but really that is only a couple of feet away in the spare bedroom. However, there are two doors of sound protection so hopefully tonight will be my first successfull night of sleep.

the keg

12 of the 29 patients seen today had dizziness, syncope, chest pain or shortness of breath or all of the above. I got off work late, tired, no lunch. Patients called all day on the phone. Wahh wahh wahhhhh, I need my medicine, wahhh, I'm in paaain.

Bah. As you may have noticed, empathy days are over for this nurse. Well, until the weekend is over anyway. Our unit is understaffed, underappreciated and underpaid. So there.

But tonight I got to go out to dinner at The Keg with my "right" side of the family. Hee. MMmmm. Steak.

in law

My in-laws will be here in five minutes.

Josh graduates Saturday!!

more american

I felt very American today. Me and Josh were driving around looking at houses for sale- we're not interested in buying right now, but it's fun to look. It was around dinnertime when we started and we were getting hungry so we stopped for snacks - soda, potato chips and candy. Not our usual fare, but it was Saturday, we were together, and we had the whole evening to have fun.

I never feel more American than when I'm eating junk food and drinking the sugaryist soda I can find.

My stomach and hyper brain are telling me tonight that I shouldn't try to feel more American very often.

Six Months

This is for Josh and Me:

Six Months today!

I can't believe we've been married six months! It's gone by quick. It doesn't seem like much has changed, but then again, everything has changed! New jobs, new location, new friends... new marriage.

It still feels new to me. It also feels comfortable.

I love being married to you, Josh. The next six months are going to be so great having you home in the evenings and getting to know you even more. I'm so blessed you are my husband.

Festivities

I had a great Christmas & New Year's holiday.


I decorated our little tree...


While Josh cut up the Yard O Beef - what better way to celebrate the holidays?


We traveled to my parent's house for some pre-Christmas fondue...


We opened presents with the family at the Farm...


Back at our house on Christmas Day it was just me and Josh. I made a Christmas Meal from scratch! Using my own recipes, no less!


Santa came Christmas morning, of course... and brought me Rachel Ray (I could just hear Danika screaming somewhere in the distance...)


We finished the last day of Advent together.


I became enraptured with the chocolate/white chocolate swirleys in my Christmas cookies.

I really liked having Christmas Eve and Day with just me and Josh. It was one of the best Christmas Days ever.

Oohh and Josh got me cool stuff. :) I got an atlas of this county and it's surroundings - that's something you might not know about me, I LOVE maps and atlases. I'm a map freak. He also got me a Rachel Ray cookbook (yea! haha.) and a whole set of the Lavendar-Vanilla scented bath and body works lotion, soap, sugar scrub, etc. I got a medical bloopers calendar for work, and a few DVDs like Superman Returns and Scrubs Season 5. Josh loves giving presents and he's pretty good at it. I wish I was better at it. He got some cool movies, music and a game. Oh we also got Scrabble. Yahhh. Scrabble! My own super-deluxe board. Now I can have crazy Scrabble madness anytime I want to!

Chrismurs

We already had our family Christmas. Yesterday we all gathered at the farm and amidst the chaos and screaming scrabble players we managed to eat a family meal and open presents. Not everyone was there, but we grow bigger every year. That's nice, I think. Families should grow.

My parents got me and Josh this cool picture frame that you can load your digital pictures into and it changes the picture. Really high quality screen, too. It's very nice. Something I would never buy for myself, but that is really, really awesome and I would love to have.

Me and Josh are going to have our first Christmas together all to ourselves!

josh's spaghetti

Before church yesterday I actually remembered to get supper started. Josh has this fabulous spaghetti sauce he makes that we have tweaked here and there over the years, but he's been making it for me since 2002! So yesterday morning I thought I would try it myself.
I chopped up two cups of mushrooms and a green bell pepper and sauted in some EVOO. I cooked some super-lean ground beef and combined with those Classico tomatoe sauce into the slow-cooker. I added Josh's secret ingredients, olives and some good garlic and salt and all that, and wa-la, when we got home from church there was some delicious marinara-type meat sauce to pour over our spaghetti noodles. Letting it slow-cook really makes it like ten times better! Throw in a bag of ceasar salad and garlic bread and it was sooo goood. I really love food.

Josh has finals this week. I'm really proud of him, he has worked hard this quarter, and he only has one more to go before he finishes his bachelor's!

I'm a good wife and I edited his research paper. Guess those years of journalism classes paid off for something.

drug-dealer-PGA-tour-car

I've heard in marriage there is a lot of compromise. I figured out a compromise for me and Josh regarding the rental car:

It can still be from Tiger Woods and I can still be best friends with him, but it also is a drug-dealer car. Except no tinted windows because we don't actually deal drugs. But we can drive by people and be all like, "We're so going to bust'a cap, yo!"

So, Tiger Woods' drug dealer car. There you have it.

In other news, we got to eat dinner with Josh's dad who happened to be in town on Thursday. I had the most amazing chicken linguine with sundried tomatoes and white wine sauce. There was also burnt cream for dessert. It was the most fabulous meal and I was in heaven. It was good to be around Josh's dad, I really like him. I wish we didn't live so far away from family.

Yesterday at work it was a pretty full emergency room. Here's the catch: I don't work in the emergency room! Geez. People: stop collapsing in our office.

Nah, the emergency situations are interesting. I had that adrenaline rush sort of going all day.

Today I also worked a half-day. Yes, on a Saturday. Which is my day OFF. The medical profession never stops work, I don't think. I'm working on my customer service face (yes I'm still a nurse). It is easier now to give a little more to the patients and treat them more like respected customers (instead of "just a patient" or "a heart problem in bed 2") now that I have most of my basics down (I know the location of the supply closets now, but of course ask me to find something IN them and I'm lost again). I'm going for legendary service, high-quality care, attentive listening and attention to details. I'm going for the feel good and the eye contact and smiling.

I'm not sure why I am all inspired all of the sudden to be super-duper nurse who wants the patient to remember what a good experience they had. I'm not sure if it is really because I care for the patient more, but maybe because I care more now about the place I work for. I want to succeed in nursing, but I want the whole place to succeed, too. I really like the staff I work with. I think it also has to do with I want to take my nursing up to the next level - now that I have most of my basic-basic-basic skills down, I'd like to see improvement elsewhere: not mumbling, making eye-contact, better assessments, better communication, improved patient teaching.

I'm lucky to be a clinic where I have time to do proper patient education - and I have good resources too. I really want to improve this area in these coming months. Until I started working here I didn't realize just how little patients learn or comprehend before and after discharge from the hospital. Or just how badly they can mess up their heart or die by incorrectly following medication instructions. I mean, dude. Sometimes it's pretty bad.