http://www.team-ewan.com/
still up, praying for this sweet little baby. i dont know this family at all, but somehow two weeks ago came across her (the mom's) flickr.
and i can't imagine making decisions like this with my tiny baby, going through all of that... so scary, so heart-wrenching.
Showing posts with label illness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label illness. Show all posts
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Saturday, April 03, 2010
i made it to work 2 out of 5 days this week.
that kind of sucks.
makes me feel stupid stupid stupid.
on a brighter note, i am feeling better today, besides the usual pregnancy gagging nausea throwing up if i eat too fast thing. i went to church service last night and i went to olive garden afterwards! i saw the outside world! people! there is hope!
that kind of sucks.
makes me feel stupid stupid stupid.
on a brighter note, i am feeling better today, besides the usual pregnancy gagging nausea throwing up if i eat too fast thing. i went to church service last night and i went to olive garden afterwards! i saw the outside world! people! there is hope!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
more illness
so, in another attempt at team building at work, we all subjected ourselves to the same nasty cold/flu virus. at the same time. because we are that much of a team.
sometimes i think maybe we take this whole 'month of team building' thing too far.
anywho, every. single. person. was out sick on the same day. from our desk clerk to aides to RNs... so like, anyone who was trained to do anything or knew anyone. which is kind of a bad thing. ive never seen that happen, like everyone out on the same day, at any unit i've worked at before. the next day, me and LV2.0 made it in and at least tried to catch up on paperwork and the 110,000 phone messages, but by 2pm we were delirious with fever. we had drained an entire bottle of cloraseptic spray, later learning the directions say DO NOT SWALLOW. then we spent five minutes trying to figure out how to not swallow chloraspetic spray. in this process we swallowed more chloraseptic spray. we also decided luden's cough drops are superior to ricola in staving off nausea, but ricola actually helps suppress coughing.
a few of our docs are sick too, but i dunno what is up with doctors. it takes like a black plague or something to keep them away from work. they just keep going. they never call in sick. it's...weird.
our boss was gone for the day when we came back, so we didn't really know who had been filling in for us or if they had just rescheduled patients or what. doctors are really nonspecific about who helped them out the day before, like "some girl with brown hair" or "i think hes an xray tech on the night shift". come to find out it'd been some temps, and that they didn't really do a lot of anything while we were gone. except either hide or steal our good lotion. most likely steal. jerks.
here's something you should know about nurses and the nurses station and a nice bottle of lotion: that bottle of lotion belongs to the nurses. the hospital didn't provide it- those nurses chipped in and bought a bottle. that brand specifically was decided by committee, declared to be the best lotion, so you know it's the best lotion like, ever. and why would you take the lotion that people use all the time to soothe their aching hands from washing them 200 times a shift. because you're a mean, mean person.
now i've faced the lotion lift caper before, and it's now common knowledge that anything left on the clinic counters overnight the ukranian cleaning crew considers fair game. which is why we created The Bogey Lotion.
The Bogey Lotion is the 6 year old vaseline lotion that smells like grandmas* and nobody likes. There's also a similar Dove bogey lotion in the most accessible desk drawer. this lotion is kind of meh, like we would still probably use it as a second choice but if it was stolen it wouldn't be the end of the world. but OUR lotion, our lotion is kept in the secure cabinet! next to boring batteries! which is hard to get to (especially if you're preggers) because you have to lean over the printer to even open and reach into said cabinet!
anyway as i was saying, by 2 pm we were both really, really sick. and 2 people doing the job of 5 was not going well anyway. luckily the afternoon clinic was rescheduled because in the morning we still had our sanity and enough foresight to do so. then we took turns taking a nap while one person covered the desk. as i laid on my side (i remember the days when i could sleep on my back, i miss that) in a corner of one of the doc's offices, on the floor, on a pillow from an exam room, with a blanket from the blanket warmer, i was like really feeling like i wanted to die. but i was like, no, i have to finish drinking this water bottle. then finish sucking on this cough drop, and maybe then the burning sore throat will get better, and my stomach will stop turning, and i can stand up again, or i can die. whichever happens first. then i thought, wait, there's probably MRSA on this floor. so if i do survive, i'll probably have mrsa on my hands. so i need to wash those when i get up. but then i won't have good lotion to put on my hands, so maybe i should just give up and die and succumb to the virus.
then the next thing i remember is my cell phone alarm ringing wakeupppppp. the rest of the shift is a blur, but i do remember stumbling to the car josh picked me up in, so i must've made it through.
i'm back at home today, fever and my asthma preventing any heroics i would try in regards to go back into work again. or from like, standing. and breathing sometimes. i doubt anyone else from my team made it back either, so you know what that means... bogey lotion is probably gone, too.
*see teen girl squad reference Issue 3 - the thrift store.
sometimes i think maybe we take this whole 'month of team building' thing too far.
anywho, every. single. person. was out sick on the same day. from our desk clerk to aides to RNs... so like, anyone who was trained to do anything or knew anyone. which is kind of a bad thing. ive never seen that happen, like everyone out on the same day, at any unit i've worked at before. the next day, me and LV2.0 made it in and at least tried to catch up on paperwork and the 110,000 phone messages, but by 2pm we were delirious with fever. we had drained an entire bottle of cloraseptic spray, later learning the directions say DO NOT SWALLOW. then we spent five minutes trying to figure out how to not swallow chloraspetic spray. in this process we swallowed more chloraseptic spray. we also decided luden's cough drops are superior to ricola in staving off nausea, but ricola actually helps suppress coughing.
a few of our docs are sick too, but i dunno what is up with doctors. it takes like a black plague or something to keep them away from work. they just keep going. they never call in sick. it's...weird.
our boss was gone for the day when we came back, so we didn't really know who had been filling in for us or if they had just rescheduled patients or what. doctors are really nonspecific about who helped them out the day before, like "some girl with brown hair" or "i think hes an xray tech on the night shift". come to find out it'd been some temps, and that they didn't really do a lot of anything while we were gone. except either hide or steal our good lotion. most likely steal. jerks.
here's something you should know about nurses and the nurses station and a nice bottle of lotion: that bottle of lotion belongs to the nurses. the hospital didn't provide it- those nurses chipped in and bought a bottle. that brand specifically was decided by committee, declared to be the best lotion, so you know it's the best lotion like, ever. and why would you take the lotion that people use all the time to soothe their aching hands from washing them 200 times a shift. because you're a mean, mean person.
now i've faced the lotion lift caper before, and it's now common knowledge that anything left on the clinic counters overnight the ukranian cleaning crew considers fair game. which is why we created The Bogey Lotion.
The Bogey Lotion is the 6 year old vaseline lotion that smells like grandmas* and nobody likes. There's also a similar Dove bogey lotion in the most accessible desk drawer. this lotion is kind of meh, like we would still probably use it as a second choice but if it was stolen it wouldn't be the end of the world. but OUR lotion, our lotion is kept in the secure cabinet! next to boring batteries! which is hard to get to (especially if you're preggers) because you have to lean over the printer to even open and reach into said cabinet!
anyway as i was saying, by 2 pm we were both really, really sick. and 2 people doing the job of 5 was not going well anyway. luckily the afternoon clinic was rescheduled because in the morning we still had our sanity and enough foresight to do so. then we took turns taking a nap while one person covered the desk. as i laid on my side (i remember the days when i could sleep on my back, i miss that) in a corner of one of the doc's offices, on the floor, on a pillow from an exam room, with a blanket from the blanket warmer, i was like really feeling like i wanted to die. but i was like, no, i have to finish drinking this water bottle. then finish sucking on this cough drop, and maybe then the burning sore throat will get better, and my stomach will stop turning, and i can stand up again, or i can die. whichever happens first. then i thought, wait, there's probably MRSA on this floor. so if i do survive, i'll probably have mrsa on my hands. so i need to wash those when i get up. but then i won't have good lotion to put on my hands, so maybe i should just give up and die and succumb to the virus.
then the next thing i remember is my cell phone alarm ringing wakeupppppp. the rest of the shift is a blur, but i do remember stumbling to the car josh picked me up in, so i must've made it through.
i'm back at home today, fever and my asthma preventing any heroics i would try in regards to go back into work again. or from like, standing. and breathing sometimes. i doubt anyone else from my team made it back either, so you know what that means... bogey lotion is probably gone, too.
*see teen girl squad reference Issue 3 - the thrift store.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
clinician
wow i barely made it through these five days at work. too many patients, not enough staff. hardly any breaks, working well over my shift end time, it's ridiculous.. if it weren't for my patients, i wouldn't do it. but i like my job... just not the hours.
sometimes hippaa is lame, because i wish i could tell the whole story on these patient stories, instead of pieces of them, because they are amazing. and there are also ridiculous stories, and sad ones, because people are sad and ridiculous. but anyway, here is my attempt to be vague.
as i review the moments from the recent past, it's an assortment:
-crack user blew heart valves out (yah cocaine is bad for you big surprise), saw a variety of arrhythmias go by in a few minutes when he presented to walk-in clinic, and had at least 45 lbs of extra water weight on. i think he was breathing out water vapor bubbles, that's how much was in the lungs. also in renal failure, came for help too late, died that evening in the unit. oh and thank you to Charge Nurse #1 over there for stalling his admission for 4 hours because "I don't want no druggie on my floor" - you. are. a. douche. he has a family and people who care about him, and they came in right away when we called. they saw a person they once knew, not a druggie.
-felt the joy of sharing with a long time patient "heart function improved!", a miracle none of us in our office expected for this patient, "enjoy some water and salt again", enjoy your grandkids without a dim prognosis hanging over your head so much. doc said "yay betablockers & CRT", i say it is nothing we do, really, there is Someone who knows the number of our days.
-long time heart failure patient who did have a stabilized EF of 45 for a long time came in completely decompensated with signs of a stroke?! still not sure what caused the stroke but echo shows EF 10 now. two weeks later now, still no known cause of heart failure, no for sure cause of CVA, etc... brushed up on my spanish to talk with patient, will not be able to work the fields anymore (migrant worker), is still very young, will refer to transplant or mechanical heart - if he wants... doc asked "thought migrant workers didn't have rights/insurance in this country? corrected him, patient was born in the USA, just never left "little mexico" of our county, never gone to school, or learned english. parents needed him to work the fields with them.
at the end of the day after a bunch of outpatient testing, was drawing tubes and tubes of blood trying to explain what each was for.... the biggest tube is for pre-transplant antibody screenings, it's literally a tube like the size of my arm.... 'antey, bodes'? que es?" he asked . . i said, "let's just hope you don't have any of those" as the tube filled with murky red.
-filled out five disability applications for five different men, all who want to keep working, all who can't perform their job anymore due to heart failure. one of these is a laborer, and has been in denial for the four years i've known him about his limitations. he lives in a rural area, and has been shocked by his ICD over 20 times just from pushing himself at work. (ICD is an implantable defibrillator device that shocks you out of a sudden death arrhythmia. you can imagine how many times we've changed the battery.) that's right, a literal zap kick (that is so painful and will push you to the ground) in the chest over and over did not stop him from going back to work. it also doesn't stop him from driving himself into clinic when this happens instead of doing the right thing and calling 911... but anyway. now his heart is getting worse, and we've tried everything humanly possible to fight his heart failure, except transplant/mechanical... now he's short of breath, can't walk without panting, and can't lift things anymore. barely 40 years old. still have not met his wife, wondering what she thinks and if she cares? or if coming to the doctor is just too difficult? or what?!
-college girl discharged from hospital after arrhythmias resolved. doctors & nurses had grilled her there, found no drugs, no OTCs, no stress in life, no recent infections, everything great, no known cause for arrhythmias. 2 days later comes to clinic for outpatient testing. as i checked her in, had a lot in common. had the same shirt too from Old Navy. liked the same soda. had the same opinion on the blah winter weather up here. same height, same weight. asked my general screening questions before putting her on the treadmill (while watching PVCs go by ballistically on the EKG) ... "Well don't tell anyone but me and my boyfriend do meth sometimes. I think that's why i had this heart problem, but im totally not going to do it again." a few minutes later.. "oh yes, I do use diet pills, do those affect your heart??" a few questions later... "yes, i do like the Rockstar energy drinks, i'd say like, 5 a day, or 3, i dunno. sometimes a different brand."
-saw routine follow up on a 30-something heart failure patient, had normalized heart function for the past year, echo didn't even look like someone who had ever had a heart condition, really no reason to follow up with us as often, continue current meds, see us in six months... doctors very happy with patient's "healed" idiopathic heart failure. 4 days later call from the coroner, sudden cardiac death, in his yard, when out enjoying the first few rays of sunshine to come this spring. wife found, but already gone.
-severe end-stage alzheimer's patient comes to clinic for check up, which is something we rarely see, come to find out family dragged patient in. family demands fix for patient's heart problems, that that is what is causing all of patient's problems. i don't even have the energy to argue with them or even respond to their "Chief complaints". i look at the patient, almost completely vegetative, unresponsive to the world around them, and sigh. tried to find a place to take blood pressure, extremities completely contractured. not sure how the aide had dressed them in the morning - it must be quite a task. wondering to myself what kind of lift they use at the nursing home to get them in and out of the very large chair. realized i stopped listening to the family like 5 minutes ago.
-watched my mechanical heart patients walk around and around the hallway, some flirting with the nursing assistant who has them on an 02sat leash for their six minute walk test. made my heart happy, because i remember last year when they couldn't walk, or hardly breathe, or eat, or be outside the hospital. now they're at home with their families, they all had a good Christmas, they are doing Wii Fit and going for walks outside.
sometimes hippaa is lame, because i wish i could tell the whole story on these patient stories, instead of pieces of them, because they are amazing. and there are also ridiculous stories, and sad ones, because people are sad and ridiculous. but anyway, here is my attempt to be vague.
as i review the moments from the recent past, it's an assortment:
-crack user blew heart valves out (yah cocaine is bad for you big surprise), saw a variety of arrhythmias go by in a few minutes when he presented to walk-in clinic, and had at least 45 lbs of extra water weight on. i think he was breathing out water vapor bubbles, that's how much was in the lungs. also in renal failure, came for help too late, died that evening in the unit. oh and thank you to Charge Nurse #1 over there for stalling his admission for 4 hours because "I don't want no druggie on my floor" - you. are. a. douche. he has a family and people who care about him, and they came in right away when we called. they saw a person they once knew, not a druggie.
-felt the joy of sharing with a long time patient "heart function improved!", a miracle none of us in our office expected for this patient, "enjoy some water and salt again", enjoy your grandkids without a dim prognosis hanging over your head so much. doc said "yay betablockers & CRT", i say it is nothing we do, really, there is Someone who knows the number of our days.
-long time heart failure patient who did have a stabilized EF of 45 for a long time came in completely decompensated with signs of a stroke?! still not sure what caused the stroke but echo shows EF 10 now. two weeks later now, still no known cause of heart failure, no for sure cause of CVA, etc... brushed up on my spanish to talk with patient, will not be able to work the fields anymore (migrant worker), is still very young, will refer to transplant or mechanical heart - if he wants... doc asked "thought migrant workers didn't have rights/insurance in this country? corrected him, patient was born in the USA, just never left "little mexico" of our county, never gone to school, or learned english. parents needed him to work the fields with them.
at the end of the day after a bunch of outpatient testing, was drawing tubes and tubes of blood trying to explain what each was for.... the biggest tube is for pre-transplant antibody screenings, it's literally a tube like the size of my arm.... 'antey, bodes'? que es?" he asked . . i said, "let's just hope you don't have any of those" as the tube filled with murky red.
-filled out five disability applications for five different men, all who want to keep working, all who can't perform their job anymore due to heart failure. one of these is a laborer, and has been in denial for the four years i've known him about his limitations. he lives in a rural area, and has been shocked by his ICD over 20 times just from pushing himself at work. (ICD is an implantable defibrillator device that shocks you out of a sudden death arrhythmia. you can imagine how many times we've changed the battery.) that's right, a literal zap kick (that is so painful and will push you to the ground) in the chest over and over did not stop him from going back to work. it also doesn't stop him from driving himself into clinic when this happens instead of doing the right thing and calling 911... but anyway. now his heart is getting worse, and we've tried everything humanly possible to fight his heart failure, except transplant/mechanical... now he's short of breath, can't walk without panting, and can't lift things anymore. barely 40 years old. still have not met his wife, wondering what she thinks and if she cares? or if coming to the doctor is just too difficult? or what?!
-college girl discharged from hospital after arrhythmias resolved. doctors & nurses had grilled her there, found no drugs, no OTCs, no stress in life, no recent infections, everything great, no known cause for arrhythmias. 2 days later comes to clinic for outpatient testing. as i checked her in, had a lot in common. had the same shirt too from Old Navy. liked the same soda. had the same opinion on the blah winter weather up here. same height, same weight. asked my general screening questions before putting her on the treadmill (while watching PVCs go by ballistically on the EKG) ... "Well don't tell anyone but me and my boyfriend do meth sometimes. I think that's why i had this heart problem, but im totally not going to do it again." a few minutes later.. "oh yes, I do use diet pills, do those affect your heart??" a few questions later... "yes, i do like the Rockstar energy drinks, i'd say like, 5 a day, or 3, i dunno. sometimes a different brand."
-saw routine follow up on a 30-something heart failure patient, had normalized heart function for the past year, echo didn't even look like someone who had ever had a heart condition, really no reason to follow up with us as often, continue current meds, see us in six months... doctors very happy with patient's "healed" idiopathic heart failure. 4 days later call from the coroner, sudden cardiac death, in his yard, when out enjoying the first few rays of sunshine to come this spring. wife found, but already gone.
-severe end-stage alzheimer's patient comes to clinic for check up, which is something we rarely see, come to find out family dragged patient in. family demands fix for patient's heart problems, that that is what is causing all of patient's problems. i don't even have the energy to argue with them or even respond to their "Chief complaints". i look at the patient, almost completely vegetative, unresponsive to the world around them, and sigh. tried to find a place to take blood pressure, extremities completely contractured. not sure how the aide had dressed them in the morning - it must be quite a task. wondering to myself what kind of lift they use at the nursing home to get them in and out of the very large chair. realized i stopped listening to the family like 5 minutes ago.
-watched my mechanical heart patients walk around and around the hallway, some flirting with the nursing assistant who has them on an 02sat leash for their six minute walk test. made my heart happy, because i remember last year when they couldn't walk, or hardly breathe, or eat, or be outside the hospital. now they're at home with their families, they all had a good Christmas, they are doing Wii Fit and going for walks outside.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
diet
my doctor wants me to keep a journal of everything i eat and how i feel
cause they cant figure out why im so auto immuney all the time latey - asthma, swollen painful joints, GI distress. Could be anything, 'cause autoimmuney stuff is like sometimes super hard to diagnose and manifest all weird (yah i dont really know even though ive lived with the stuff since i was a kid)
sooo anyway, i've been off of most dairy (except for a little cheese) for over a year now, which has helped a few things:
-my skin is clearer
-i have less allergies and therefore less asthma problems
-my tummy is not gassy anymore
now my doctor is investigating other foods like gluten and whatnots... i think it's a game to see how many foods she can find for heidi to not eat.
i know some of you must know or have yourself any experience with this stuff? what do you think? i am not really one to go researching the internets or myself, but i think i am almost to that point.
the most i have done so far myself is had some routine bloodwork (including IgA n'stuff which was all normal) and including vitamins which were all looow, so now I'm a super vitamin! regimen!
so advices. what do you think?
cause they cant figure out why im so auto immuney all the time latey - asthma, swollen painful joints, GI distress. Could be anything, 'cause autoimmuney stuff is like sometimes super hard to diagnose and manifest all weird (yah i dont really know even though ive lived with the stuff since i was a kid)
sooo anyway, i've been off of most dairy (except for a little cheese) for over a year now, which has helped a few things:
-my skin is clearer
-i have less allergies and therefore less asthma problems
-my tummy is not gassy anymore
now my doctor is investigating other foods like gluten and whatnots... i think it's a game to see how many foods she can find for heidi to not eat.
i know some of you must know or have yourself any experience with this stuff? what do you think? i am not really one to go researching the internets or myself, but i think i am almost to that point.
the most i have done so far myself is had some routine bloodwork (including IgA n'stuff which was all normal) and including vitamins which were all looow, so now I'm a super vitamin! regimen!
so advices. what do you think?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Dear Patient
Dear Sir or Madam,
I see you almost everyday. You are in the hospital as an inpatient. You are at the pharmacy counter. You are in the waiting room. You are calling on the phone. You are in clinic for an office visit. You are in the procedure room for your surgery. You are in the infusion room waiting for me to start your IV. You are young or you are old. In fact, sometimes I see you at church, or at work, bible study, or other places. You just pop up everywhere and you take. This week I have seen a lot of you.
It doesn't matter to you what your family has done for you, how much they care about you, what your nurse has done, how much your friends listen to you, people who stay at your side through thick and thin - you are never satisfied. You are better than everyone and deserve all of the attention and the world revolves around you. At the very least you are more intelligent than everyone, which makes you better in any event.
If something isn't going the way you would like it you sometimes scream and cuss. Sometimes you get all passive-aggressive and sulk. Sometimes you cry and whine. Sometimes you abuse.
You "don't deserve this!" and you "deserve to be the center of attention" and "people should be paying attention" to you because of your:
a: horrible disease
b: how much pain you are in (1. physically 2. emotionally 3. both)
c: how hard life is for you because of your (1. social disorder 2. disability 3. addiction 4. economic problem 5. relationship status 6. children 7. chronic disease 8. general burdens in life that are unique to only you of course)
Also, you have made it quite clear that no matter what we do, or how long it is after you are well, no matter how much we listen and care, you still need all of the attention. You still are never satisfied with anything or anyone, and nothing is good enough. And you can't believe how dare someone get more attention than me, how undeserving are they, you are better and more important than they are, you have been through so much more. I mean, you don't actually know THEM over THERE, but obviously you are much worse off. YOUR call light is more important than theirs (so what if it's a code blue?), YOUR phone call is BETTER than THEIRS. Your prayer request is the MOST URGENT.
We should feel so sorry for you, and just give and give and give.
6 months later at your office visit, or your coffee visit with us, or wherever, it is still the same. You have all these problems, and they are more important than ours. You have made no effort to change anything in your life (you have heart disease but you still smoke, you have relationship problems but you do not have standards, you have spiritual problems but just can't find the time to go to church, you have addiction problems but can't change your habits, you feel lost and alone but won't read the Bible, you have diabetes but you eat carbs all day) because you have a ROUTINE, and YOU need it, and you are too important and too busy to change these things, or you just don't want to and you have the BEST excuses. Besides, this is OUR fault, at the very least we have to hear about it and BE EMPATHETIC to YOUR needs. WE "just don't understand" YOU, we don't care enough, we don't know how hard it is.
Sometimes your problems have been solved, but only replaced by new problems. We remind you now that you have that job or relationship you've always wanted, but you remind us how stupid we are. THAT didn't make you happy (even though you said that was all you needed), in fact it only caused more NEW and AWFUL problems.
You call the office constantly, you schedule meetings with your pastor/teacher/doctor to whine so you can feel better about yourself afterwards, you update your facebook status everyday with a new woe just to let everyone know how hard life is for you each day (and this is good for fishing for a quick sympathy fix), you call and text your friends or you stay at home and shun them on purpose.
You hate other people who are like you, because they are getting attention. You hate people who aren't like you, because they aren't giving you attention. You aren't involved as a volunteer, you aren't involved in the community, you don't give to charity (unless it's for tax write off), your first thoughts are of your needs. You neglect your life partner and take people for granted. You alienate friends and avoid making new ones because people are "so needy!" and you can't stand to listen to them. You are offended that your pastor asks you to come to church on Sunday, much less WORK in a MINISTRY. You are offended your doctor asks you to make simple life changes that impeded on your preferred diet or lifestyle. You say God is important but He is your last priority. You are good at manipulating people. You are a control freak. You are lazy. You keep people at a distance unless they suit your needs. In fact, in general, other people are very annoying and pretty useless to you unless they "mesh" or "click" with you and contribute to your needs.
You don't make friends or make an effort to care about other people that annoy you. You don't want to get involved with church because it is full of people who are annoying and don't understand you. You don't give and love your family because they are annoying and they don't understand you. You break off relationships or ignore the current ones because they are too much drama for you.
If one thing in your life goes wrong, everything is wrong. You try to compartmentalize to avoid this, to stay in control. You let everyone know when something is disappointing and out of your routine and how inconvenient it is, but you are incapable of being transparent and letting people know when you are a depressed and lonely.
You are selfish.
You are nearsighted.
You are inward focused.
You are a taker.
You are a breaker.
You are blind to your need for a Savior.
You are sinful.
You are jealous.
You are prejudice.
You are hating your neighbor.
You are unaware of your need for a Savior.
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
but you think you'll hold together forever.
You know you're low, but you play so high.
You can't play as your own God forever.
I've seen about as much of YOU(s) as I can stand this week. I'm your pastor's wife, I'm your nurse, I'm your friend, I'm your neighbor - I'm not perfect. I do these things too, I'm selfish by nature. But you, YOU are everywhere! We need less of you. I need less ME in me, too, and more God. Why can't WE look outside ourselves to others? Why do we look at other people and see "ANNOYING -- " instead of seeing someone God loves? Someone who is a good friend? Someone who care about us? Why do we spew hate and not love?
And you who have no excuse? Who have been a "CHRISTIAN?" What is the deal?
You remind me of a Keith Green song ==
Do you see, do you see
All the people sinking down
Don't you care, don't you care
Are you gonna let them drown
How can you be so numb
Not to care if they come
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done
"Oh bless me lord, bless me Lord"
You know it's all I ever hear
No one aches, no one hurts
No one even sheds one tear
But He cries, He weeps, He bleeds
And He cares for your needs
And you just lay back
And keep soaking it in
Oh can't you see it's such a sin
'Cause He brings people to you door
And you turn them away
As you smile and say
"God bless you, be at peace"
And all heaven just weeps
'Cause Jesus came to you door
You've left him out on the streets
Open up open up
And give yourself away
You see the need, you hear the cries
So how can you delay
God's calling and you're the one
But like Jonah you run
He's told you to speak
But you keep holding it in
Of can't you see it's such a sin
The world is sleeping in the dark
That the church just can't fight
'Cause it's asleep in the light
How can you be so dead
When you've been so well fed
Jesus rose from the grave
And you, you can't even get out of bed
Oh, Jesus rose from the dead
Come on get out of your bed
How can you be so numb
Not to care if they come
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done
Don't close your eyes
Don't pretend the job's done
"Come away, come away, come away with me my love
Come away, come away, come away with me my love
I see you almost everyday. You are in the hospital as an inpatient. You are at the pharmacy counter. You are in the waiting room. You are calling on the phone. You are in clinic for an office visit. You are in the procedure room for your surgery. You are in the infusion room waiting for me to start your IV. You are young or you are old. In fact, sometimes I see you at church, or at work, bible study, or other places. You just pop up everywhere and you take. This week I have seen a lot of you.
It doesn't matter to you what your family has done for you, how much they care about you, what your nurse has done, how much your friends listen to you, people who stay at your side through thick and thin - you are never satisfied. You are better than everyone and deserve all of the attention and the world revolves around you. At the very least you are more intelligent than everyone, which makes you better in any event.
If something isn't going the way you would like it you sometimes scream and cuss. Sometimes you get all passive-aggressive and sulk. Sometimes you cry and whine. Sometimes you abuse.
You "don't deserve this!" and you "deserve to be the center of attention" and "people should be paying attention" to you because of your:
a: horrible disease
b: how much pain you are in (1. physically 2. emotionally 3. both)
c: how hard life is for you because of your (1. social disorder 2. disability 3. addiction 4. economic problem 5. relationship status 6. children 7. chronic disease 8. general burdens in life that are unique to only you of course)
Also, you have made it quite clear that no matter what we do, or how long it is after you are well, no matter how much we listen and care, you still need all of the attention. You still are never satisfied with anything or anyone, and nothing is good enough. And you can't believe how dare someone get more attention than me, how undeserving are they, you are better and more important than they are, you have been through so much more. I mean, you don't actually know THEM over THERE, but obviously you are much worse off. YOUR call light is more important than theirs (so what if it's a code blue?), YOUR phone call is BETTER than THEIRS. Your prayer request is the MOST URGENT.
We should feel so sorry for you, and just give and give and give.
6 months later at your office visit, or your coffee visit with us, or wherever, it is still the same. You have all these problems, and they are more important than ours. You have made no effort to change anything in your life (you have heart disease but you still smoke, you have relationship problems but you do not have standards, you have spiritual problems but just can't find the time to go to church, you have addiction problems but can't change your habits, you feel lost and alone but won't read the Bible, you have diabetes but you eat carbs all day) because you have a ROUTINE, and YOU need it, and you are too important and too busy to change these things, or you just don't want to and you have the BEST excuses. Besides, this is OUR fault, at the very least we have to hear about it and BE EMPATHETIC to YOUR needs. WE "just don't understand" YOU, we don't care enough, we don't know how hard it is.
Sometimes your problems have been solved, but only replaced by new problems. We remind you now that you have that job or relationship you've always wanted, but you remind us how stupid we are. THAT didn't make you happy (even though you said that was all you needed), in fact it only caused more NEW and AWFUL problems.
You call the office constantly, you schedule meetings with your pastor/teacher/doctor to whine so you can feel better about yourself afterwards, you update your facebook status everyday with a new woe just to let everyone know how hard life is for you each day (and this is good for fishing for a quick sympathy fix), you call and text your friends or you stay at home and shun them on purpose.
You hate other people who are like you, because they are getting attention. You hate people who aren't like you, because they aren't giving you attention. You aren't involved as a volunteer, you aren't involved in the community, you don't give to charity (unless it's for tax write off), your first thoughts are of your needs. You neglect your life partner and take people for granted. You alienate friends and avoid making new ones because people are "so needy!" and you can't stand to listen to them. You are offended that your pastor asks you to come to church on Sunday, much less WORK in a MINISTRY. You are offended your doctor asks you to make simple life changes that impeded on your preferred diet or lifestyle. You say God is important but He is your last priority. You are good at manipulating people. You are a control freak. You are lazy. You keep people at a distance unless they suit your needs. In fact, in general, other people are very annoying and pretty useless to you unless they "mesh" or "click" with you and contribute to your needs.
You don't make friends or make an effort to care about other people that annoy you. You don't want to get involved with church because it is full of people who are annoying and don't understand you. You don't give and love your family because they are annoying and they don't understand you. You break off relationships or ignore the current ones because they are too much drama for you.
If one thing in your life goes wrong, everything is wrong. You try to compartmentalize to avoid this, to stay in control. You let everyone know when something is disappointing and out of your routine and how inconvenient it is, but you are incapable of being transparent and letting people know when you are a depressed and lonely.
You are selfish.
You are nearsighted.
You are inward focused.
You are a taker.
You are a breaker.
You are blind to your need for a Savior.
You are sinful.
You are jealous.
You are prejudice.
You are hating your neighbor.
You are unaware of your need for a Savior.
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
but you think you'll hold together forever.
You know you're low, but you play so high.
You can't play as your own God forever.
I've seen about as much of YOU(s) as I can stand this week. I'm your pastor's wife, I'm your nurse, I'm your friend, I'm your neighbor - I'm not perfect. I do these things too, I'm selfish by nature. But you, YOU are everywhere! We need less of you. I need less ME in me, too, and more God. Why can't WE look outside ourselves to others? Why do we look at other people and see "ANNOYING -- " instead of seeing someone God loves? Someone who is a good friend? Someone who care about us? Why do we spew hate and not love?
And you who have no excuse? Who have been a "CHRISTIAN?" What is the deal?
You remind me of a Keith Green song ==
Do you see, do you see
All the people sinking down
Don't you care, don't you care
Are you gonna let them drown
How can you be so numb
Not to care if they come
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done
"Oh bless me lord, bless me Lord"
You know it's all I ever hear
No one aches, no one hurts
No one even sheds one tear
But He cries, He weeps, He bleeds
And He cares for your needs
And you just lay back
And keep soaking it in
Oh can't you see it's such a sin
'Cause He brings people to you door
And you turn them away
As you smile and say
"God bless you, be at peace"
And all heaven just weeps
'Cause Jesus came to you door
You've left him out on the streets
Open up open up
And give yourself away
You see the need, you hear the cries
So how can you delay
God's calling and you're the one
But like Jonah you run
He's told you to speak
But you keep holding it in
Of can't you see it's such a sin
The world is sleeping in the dark
That the church just can't fight
'Cause it's asleep in the light
How can you be so dead
When you've been so well fed
Jesus rose from the grave
And you, you can't even get out of bed
Oh, Jesus rose from the dead
Come on get out of your bed
How can you be so numb
Not to care if they come
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done
Don't close your eyes
Don't pretend the job's done
"Come away, come away, come away with me my love
Come away, come away, come away with me my love
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH WTF
OKAY -- ATTENTION -- I BELIEVE IT IS TIME FOR MY ANNUAL BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH RANT----
i.e. http://www.nbcam.org/
Honestly, I don't know why it annoys me so much. OH WAIT I DO.
Maybe it is because of the local hissy-fit over it every stinking year.
It starts with annoying melodramatic radio ads.
Then the TV ads with the pink people running relays for 3 days.
Then I go to the grocery store and not one, but TWO aisles are dedicated to "PINK!" "GO PINK!" -- pink water bottles, pink Mike Hard's lemonade (yes, alcohol), pink potato chips, pink t shirts, pink chicken marinades (!?!?!?!), --- AND THEY ONLY HAVE PINK SHOPPING BAGS!! PINK! Shopping!! BAGS!! No other bags to be found. In all of Haggens.
I drove by the local shopping center- the FORKLIFT was painted pink for breast cancer awareness.
I drove by the local Vietnamese dry cleaners - PINK ribbons on their dry cleaning hangers --
The celebrities are blabbing about it on every station and every little ceremony they make up for themselves even though they don't even know what they're talking about:
Oh i could go on, and ON, and ON! Pink everywhere! On yogurt! On brooms! On makeup! On alcohol! What the hell!!
LET ME REMIND YOU of the:
Top 10 Causes of Death for Women in the United States‡
The graph below shows how breast cancer compares to other common causes of death in women of all ages.
i.e. http://www.nbcam.org/
Honestly, I don't know why it annoys me so much. OH WAIT I DO.
Maybe it is because of the local hissy-fit over it every stinking year.
It starts with annoying melodramatic radio ads.
Then the TV ads with the pink people running relays for 3 days.
Then I go to the grocery store and not one, but TWO aisles are dedicated to "PINK!" "GO PINK!" -- pink water bottles, pink Mike Hard's lemonade (yes, alcohol), pink potato chips, pink t shirts, pink chicken marinades (!?!?!?!), --- AND THEY ONLY HAVE PINK SHOPPING BAGS!! PINK! Shopping!! BAGS!! No other bags to be found. In all of Haggens.
I drove by the local shopping center- the FORKLIFT was painted pink for breast cancer awareness.
I drove by the local Vietnamese dry cleaners - PINK ribbons on their dry cleaning hangers --
The celebrities are blabbing about it on every station and every little ceremony they make up for themselves even though they don't even know what they're talking about:
Oh i could go on, and ON, and ON! Pink everywhere! On yogurt! On brooms! On makeup! On alcohol! What the hell!!
LET ME REMIND YOU of the:
Top 10 Causes of Death for Women in the United States‡
The graph below shows how breast cancer compares to other common causes of death in women of all ages.
Top 10 causes of death for women in the United States.
The graph shows that the top 10 causes of death for women in the United States are—
1 Diseases of heart 329,238
2 Cerebrovascular diseases 86,993
3 Lung and bronchus cancer 69,078
4 Chronic lower respiratory disease 68,497
5 Alzheimer's disease 51,039
6 Accidents (unintentional injury) 41,426
7 Breast cancer 41,116
8 Diabetes mellitus 38,581
9 Influenza and pneumonia 34,949
10 Colorectal cancer 26,224
‡Source: Surveillance, Epidemiology, and End Results (SEER) Program (www.seer.cancer.govExternal Web Site Icon) SEER*Stat Database: Mortality – All COD, Public-Use with State, Total U.S. (1969–2005), National Cancer Institute, DCCPS, Surveillance Research Program, Cancer Statistics Branch, released February 2008. Underlying mortality data provided by CDC's National Center for Health Statistics.
Wait... what's that? The top two killers of not only women, but men also, are cardiovascular? Really? How 'bout that. Huh. Really. WOW. Wait... breast cancer isn't even the top cancer? Really? Wow! How 'bout that. Huh. Wow. Really.
So great... the Komen people or whoever they are are getting this great research funding... and they don't know how to find the cause of breast cancer. Oh and they treat it like other cancers with barbaric medicine and chemo and radiation. Oh and it comes back so your breasts get cut off.
On the other hand, there is preventable, PREVENTABLE cardiovascular disease!! You just have to be aware and get screened! Look at those top 3 on the graph - QUIT SMOKING.... KNOW YOUR CHOLESTEROL.... AVOID type II diabetes... GET A STRESS TEST.... CONTROL YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE.... GET SCREENED FOR ATHEROSCLEROSIS WITH A SIMPLE ULTRASOUND.
Still have a clogged artery, can't fight the genetics? We have stents. and bypass. and so many many many things... and none of it involves cutting off body tissues.
I mean, serious Seattle, Washington, United States, North America.... you have a top killer, far more deadly and prevalant than breast cancer, cardiovascular disease which is also mostly preventable, and you want to frickin smoke and eat and drink your way to death. And buy your smokes and eats and drinks in F'in PINK SHOPPING BAGS.
THAT is what annoys me at the store, and on the radio, and on the TV. All these well-meaning people running around with out of control type II diabetes and high cholesterol with their pink t-shirts on just waiting for a huge myocardial infarction.
at least some people try to fight the breast cancer consumerism... but obviously without much success. And these are women who have fought the cancer themselves!
Now don't get me wrong. I know a lot of women who have fought breast cancer and some have lost the fight. It is horrific, and personal, and just awful. I also know a lot of people who have had other types of cancer. Prostate. Colon. Skin. Many family members have died slow painful deaths from cancer. Research and funding is so important... but raising "Awareness"... by using consumerism? Swiffer? Alcohol? Pink shopping bags?
Ridiculous.
Monday, October 12, 2009
workin
i woke up in the wee hours of the morning really feverish and sick and nauseated....head stuffed up... all that good stuff.
i tried to sleep sometime this morning but it wasn't restful. i did some work from home, but at about 1 pm i got an email from work subject line: "help!!"
no sick day for me
i tried to sleep sometime this morning but it wasn't restful. i did some work from home, but at about 1 pm i got an email from work subject line: "help!!"
no sick day for me
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
autoimmuning
i had a few really good weeks almost asthma-free - no colds, no wheezing, no aching joints, no coughing.
i'm thankful for that.
but now it's over.
i'm thankful for that.
but now it's over.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
instant netflix
we dont have cable or anything anymores, but josh put instant netflix on the xbox.
basically, any movie netflix has available on "instant" i can watch, well, instantly - high def if available- on our tv! No mail, no waiting, no hollywood video store. Sweet.
this was especially helpful when i was sick. i found some pretty sweet chick flicks to watch.
+ He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not (with Ms. Tatou - 2002)
+ Love in the Afternoon (with Ms. Hepburn - 1957)
+ My Man Godfrey (1936)
+ You Can't Take It With You (1938)
+ His Girl Friday (1940) **a fave!
yes josh did have to put up with some...
basically, any movie netflix has available on "instant" i can watch, well, instantly - high def if available- on our tv! No mail, no waiting, no hollywood video store. Sweet.
this was especially helpful when i was sick. i found some pretty sweet chick flicks to watch.
+ He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not (with Ms. Tatou - 2002)
+ Love in the Afternoon (with Ms. Hepburn - 1957)
+ My Man Godfrey (1936)
+ You Can't Take It With You (1938)
+ His Girl Friday (1940) **a fave!
yes josh did have to put up with some...
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
update
update!! update!! i'm updating!!
only because i'm stuck at home. inside. when it's so nice outside. sick. blah.
our whole nursing staff on our unit came down with some h1z1z3 flu that sucks and was highly contagious. so i have no clue who is there right now but probably no one who knows what's going on.
the ocean trip was fabulous by the way - one of the best vacations. actually i think that's the first real longer vacation we've taken since our honeymoon - that hasn't been related to christmas or family whatever holiday stuff.
my brain is fuzzy.
only because i'm stuck at home. inside. when it's so nice outside. sick. blah.
our whole nursing staff on our unit came down with some h1z1z3 flu that sucks and was highly contagious. so i have no clue who is there right now but probably no one who knows what's going on.
the ocean trip was fabulous by the way - one of the best vacations. actually i think that's the first real longer vacation we've taken since our honeymoon - that hasn't been related to christmas or family whatever holiday stuff.
my brain is fuzzy.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
lappy2000
lappy 2000's diagnoses:
severe osteoporosis
lateral screen-keyboard joint fracture and multiple hairline fractures
diffuse LCD melanomas
rapidly progressing hard drive dementia
complete pacemaker battery failure
nursing plan of care recommendations:
hospice/end of life care
24-hour power supply
excision of memory-eating malignant programs
splint to joint fracture
plan trip to nearest Apple store
severe osteoporosis
lateral screen-keyboard joint fracture and multiple hairline fractures
diffuse LCD melanomas
rapidly progressing hard drive dementia
complete pacemaker battery failure
nursing plan of care recommendations:
hospice/end of life care
24-hour power supply
excision of memory-eating malignant programs
splint to joint fracture
plan trip to nearest Apple store
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
asthma
Well for the least week I've been sick and now my asthma's kicked in and I feel really really sick, I thought I felt sick before, but now I'm more sick, proving you can always feel sicker, and sicker, until I guess you stop feeling sick and you just are dead, I suppose.
Anyway, I've missed work, which I hate, because not only is that less money, but more work when I return.
Blah.
Anyway, I've missed work, which I hate, because not only is that less money, but more work when I return.
Blah.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
behind
I feel so behind on things. Studying for the CV boards, returning a thinkgeek item, cleaning up the kitchen, putting away clothes, uploading pictures... it's a weird feeling. It's a bunch of little things, a combination of things I HAVE to do and things that can be done later, thing I really want to do and things I don't want to, but altogether it seems overwhelming for some reason. Doesn't help that I feel fuzzy-headed and fatigued - fighting off another winter virus. Ugh.
It's like sometimes I get stuck - I don't know where to start, and begin to feel disorganized and unfocused. It seems like I am still the hyperactive unfocused 12-year old that can't sit still and yet can't focus that energy any one particular place.
But I can do it. I already started on the kitchen. Next is clothes. After that, maybe even some vacuuming. Then I'll start on studying. It's going to be a good day.
It's like sometimes I get stuck - I don't know where to start, and begin to feel disorganized and unfocused. It seems like I am still the hyperactive unfocused 12-year old that can't sit still and yet can't focus that energy any one particular place.
But I can do it. I already started on the kitchen. Next is clothes. After that, maybe even some vacuuming. Then I'll start on studying. It's going to be a good day.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
sicky
Well, whatever horrible sinus infection/flu I had last week - now Josh has it.
I'm so nice to share with my husband.
It seems he is sicker than I was...
I'm so nice to share with my husband.
It seems he is sicker than I was...
Monday, December 22, 2008
just work
Josh is still sick and now I am getting the cold, too.
I worked all day today. They still really aren't plowing any of the roads, so it is not fun to try to drive anywhere.
The flights out of sea-tac have been mostly cancelled or delayed, so I don't know how that is going to pan out with our flight that is supposedly leaving Christmas Day. Especially with more snow due.
I think one of the doctors here STILL thinks I'm Jewish and I can't figure out why.
I worked all day today. They still really aren't plowing any of the roads, so it is not fun to try to drive anywhere.
The flights out of sea-tac have been mostly cancelled or delayed, so I don't know how that is going to pan out with our flight that is supposedly leaving Christmas Day. Especially with more snow due.
I think one of the doctors here STILL thinks I'm Jewish and I can't figure out why.
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