exhausted

I am just so exhausted. We haven't really gotten much sleep.

I worry about Josh, not sleeping, a lot of stress and his phone rings non-stop with questions from family members, church members, friends of Keith... I hate ringing phones anyway - thank goodness for the invention of the ringtone so at least it's halfway pleasant. and more... planning a funeral, deciding/mediating with family where things go and to whom and what to sell... it's like craziness to have to think about someone's STUFF? Like that's really not important... I don't think anyway. I hate thinking about stuff here on earth. Meaningless, the person left it behind- so should we.

So now Josh is sick, and also has this weird eye thing going on that is painful and I am slightly mildly concerned about. That's enough for me to send him to the eye doctor tomorrow! The eye doctor on the floor above my office is really nice guy who always helps us nurses when our glasses break or we lose a screw (ha ha screw loose) or something. Hopefully he'll take care of my Josh.

I have just about had it with hearing about heart problems today (obviously that is my whole world at work)- I was talking to one of the cardiologists I work with and just like explaining how I am kicking myself that someone I ate and hung out with almost every day this year had heart problems that I never picked up on. He even complained of palpitations once, I told him to get on the monitor but of course he never would do that - and I replay that conversation over and over again and how I should've pushed harder for him to do that. Why would he - he could bike 150 miles and never have a problem. His exercise tolerance was 10 x mine. It's silly for me to blame myself, but I kept kicking myself all day for it.

I also thought about how I not only miss him as a part of our family that he became, but how we would disagree over statin therapy and lowering cholesterol over margaritas and burgers (margaritas or beer due to the lack of milkshakes at stupid downtown Bob's) every Tuesday for two months in a row, and I would tell him what a dippie hippie chiropractor he was for not appreciating low LDL (that's "Bad" cholesterol) and decreased inflammation within the arteries that statins provide, and at the very least he should appreciate niacin, I mean come on, it's a vitamin. He would come back with nutrition stories and more natural science that I don't know a lot about. Definitely two different schools of medicine we came from, and that's why I liked discussing with him all about everything.

I keep telling myself, sh+++! That cholesterol really did clog him up and sh_t I don't care about our disagreements anymore and I can't F'ing believe he is gone. Could this sudden onset of cussing words in my thoughts be an anger stage or something? What is wrong with me lately?!

I don't want to go to work tomorrow.